The Spaces Between Us

I never realized how freeing space could be until you threatened me with it. 

And with that leap into loneliness so much good sprouted. 

Because you held me back from being myself. 

Because you raised your voice at me when you were angry and 

Eventually you rose your hands in the same display of anger. 

You created boundaries for me that I tied myself to because all I wanted was your approval. 

And even though you constantly told me that I never do anything right I still tried. 

And even though you told me that no one else could love me, someone did. 

And even though you told me that I was nothing without you I bloomed into everything 

Because time alone was what I really needed 

Time away from the toxic relationship we formed together over those three years. 

With those plans of marriage came the mental divorce. 

And that divorce split me inside like a cacoon and out came a new person, scared and alone. 

And that person thought she was unworthy until someone came along and changed her. 

The dark skies turned into sunny days and she blossomed like a beautiful flower.

The scars still on her on her skin from you and the bruises sitting on her heart from the times you raised your hand to her. 

And I am still scared of you in too many ways to count. 

And my trust in people shakes because you broke me 

My love is questionable and anxious because I don't want to love in the same way again. 

But he didn't mean to pick me up off the ground. 

He didn't mean to make to feel worthy 

And he didn't mean to make me love him the way that I do. 

But you fought me everyday knowing that he did. And I was scared that you would hurt me for loving someone else 

I was scared that you would hurt him because I loved him. 

And everyday I now battle myself because of you. 

You create anxiety and depression 

And all my thoughts of being unworthy and unlovable coming from the years of abuse that you and others have subjected me to. 

I will spend days and months and years trying to erase the pain that you once caused me. 

I still flinch when people touch me 

I still cry at night

I still get up in the morning wishing that none of it ever happened

But here I am 

Happy without you happy with myself.