Bitter. Angry. Wondering.

As I begin writing this, I don't know if I'll ever post it. But I need to get this poisonous ire out of my system before I spew venom for the next few weeks.

Yesterday was the birthday of a significant person who had once been in my life. It hit me at about 4am as I was playing Cyberpunk 2077, doing a mission, nothing at all related to this person. Just I happened to glance at the time on my phone, and right there, underneath on my lock screen was the date.

To put it lightly, this person... I was used by them. At a vulnerable point. I was effectively the side girl, being used as practice for what he wanted to do with his actual girlfriend. Even had the balls to say he loved me. But I was used and led along. That ultimately crushed me, my self confidence and how I view myself as a whole.

But looking back on it, and everything that happened between him and I, and now looking at his life now with his wife and son... A bitter, rotten, angry place inside of me wonders if I had let things go on longer, farther in fact, would that have been me?

Would I have ended up in the place his wife is in now, raising our children, if it I hadn't listened to my instincts? Probably not, but sometimes it's a what if.

Personally, the vibe from her social media accounts comes off as one of those overly perky "happy military wives". If it had a taste, it would be overly sweet frosting with a funny after taste. Just a little too perfect coming off, everything is in it's right place for the Instagram post. A little Stepford if you will.

Honestly to me, she never looks happy in a lot of their pictures, it's something with her eyes. Which is why I think about it the way I do: What if I had almost been her?

To be perfectly honest, I am SO elated that I'm not. Over the moon 100000% happy I'm not.

Maybe they are really happy together, maybe they are one big happy family. Which I'm glad for them. I honestly wish them the best, that nothing bad ever happens to them or their son. As much as I truly and utterly hate him and would willingly kick him in the gnards on repeat for the rest of my life once a day. But that's me.

Why I'm torturing myself with this, I don't know. It's definitely not looking over the fence and seeing a greener pasture, no. It's more of like how I started it with, the just wondering of if I had been young, dumb and stupid, would I have ended up being his wife and living this faux happy life? Or would I have always been the side bitch having his bastards?

Though sometimes I do wish I could go back in time to just... stop certain things from happening... I wouldn't be where I am now. Next month is my birthday and my 13 year anniversary.

Just sometimes, when it comes to this person, he's partially why I'm so jaded about being loved and cared for, believing that I am loved and worthy of it. I had stupidly loved him with all my dumbass of a heart and had it broken. There's... more to it.

But in my primitive time of learning what romantic love was to me, and being used and treated so... wrongly, it's definitely left me with lasting affects. Or is it effect? I honestly can never remember.

EITHER WAY, I'm fucked up. And to have my partner in my life, I'm eternally grateful. I'm just fucked up, bitter, angry and constantly sad. A little suicidal on a bad day, but he's my reason for getting up in the morning, the other 10% is because I have to pee. Without him, I don't know where I would be and if I had followed my heart back in my "BUT DADDY MOMMY I LOVE HIM" phase, I... I most certainly would have regretted and resented myself, and that asshole.

Not to mention if we had kids... yeah, it wouldn't have been a healthy space. For anyone. So I wouldn't trade this for the world.

Ah, well. It will pass. It always does. Just this year is a little touchy. A lot of things have made this year... touchy.

Now off to sob into my pillows and scream for the next four hours. Wish me luck!