another rant

i dont know when i last ranted, probably not that long ago to be honest.

i havent had a real friend since i was 11, sure theres people i talk to at school and message occasionally but i dont really have friends. i think im just annoying, when i start talking i cant stop myself and i end up saying really stupid embarrassing shit.

theres people at school who i guess i could talk to but i dont know how to appeal to them, ive tried before with this group of people but nothing really makes me stick. 

i used to know this boy who unfortunately passed away in june and he was so cool and good at talking to people and stuck out in any crowd as the cool guy. i dont know how he did it, he was just such a legend and i would love to get along with people the same way he did.

his death impacted me at first and then i felt alright but ive been going through his old friends instagrams and seeing their old posts with him and it just makes me feel so sad. i cant really find motivation to do much, is it normal to feel that connection with someone i never really spoke to nearly 6 months after their death? maybe not, but thats just how i feel.

i feel so behind everybody my age too. theyre all going out every day, smoking together and staying out until midnight. last time i did that was a year ago because i was invited to a birthday celebration. maybe i could smoke alone and pretend to be with people but i dont have the courage to buy a pack of cigs myself.

fucking hell the fact i called that "courage" shows why i dont have friends

on a brighter note the girl that ditched me and started this episode of anxiety and stuff is now obsessed with matt healy and spends all day on tik tok. i may be a loner but at least im not simping over some guy from a shit band and wasting away watching 5 second videos.