I'm starting to realize that maybe I need to leave my husband, and that even though he doesn't hit me physically, I still walk on eggshells everyday to make sure he's satisfied enough to remain calm and happy. It's so mentally draining that I never have energy to do anything. So I guess you could say we got worse. He got upset with me this morning because I asked him to change our daughters diaper instead of me do it because he "does it all day". I know that the bare minimum doesn't need to be praised for, because doing that is our literal job, not only as adults but as parents as well. Which sucks because I want someone to come home to that will give me a massage without asking, or someone who will wake up with my daughter and play with her until im able to get out of bed without feeling like I didn't get any sleep. I know I can do the single parent thing. It's the fact that I hold potential suitors to an expectation and when it doesn't get accomplished or acknowledged I feel worthless and used. Honestly maybe this blog is my confession that I'm not in love with my husband anymore. I love him, but not the way it takes to stay with him. And I need to acknowledge that this means he will find someone at some point and that I can't get jealous of it. I just have to come to the realization that we aren't soulmates and hope that he finds someone who is, or by help me god if he finds someone who is toxic around my daughter I will do everything in my power to bring him down.
I will say that is another fear of mine. That he will find someone who isn't a good fit for our daughter or won't care for her the way I do. I'm scared of having to do coparenting or having to drop her off with him and just trust that she gets taken care of. I'm scared that he won't do something that I ask while he has her because it would inconvenience him and his routine. I know I could get him for child neglect, but you have to have proof of it. And I'm terrible at collecting proof. I even think I tossed the notebook with everything he's done since we got married. I should probably look for that. I have the divorce papers ready, its mainly an application for us to get a low income lawyer but it is the start. I also have the child custody papers ready too. Everything physical is in place. Now its just about the money.
I'm going to log off and think this through.
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