Five years later (TW mentions SA)

Five years ago today I had to attend court against the man who sexually assaulted me when I was only 14. He was 22. I wrote a victim impact statement and by my own choice I read it in front of the entire court including him. While I don’t feel comfortable sharing the original statement I’m going to write an updated version to vent. 

Dear no one,

No matter how much time passes I’ll always feel the pain of what he did to me. I used to say that whoever I was before the assault had died and that I was someone else now. In a way that’s still kind of true. I’ll never get to be whoever I would’ve been if that never happened. I’ll never know how much better I could’ve done in life. The mistakes I wouldn’t have made as a result of the pain he caused me. In my original statement I wrote that “Some of the effects were immediate. Some of them occurred long after the assault” and I had no idea just how true that was yet. Getting legal justice didn’t fix my life like I hoped it would. I carry the weight of what happened with me every day and I will for the rest of my life. I’ll always mourn the girl I would’ve been and the life I would’ve lived. In his most recent sex offender registry photo he was smiling. Why does he get to walk around doing well while I’m feeling terrible still? Why does he get to achieve new things while I continue to fail over and over again? I don’t wish bad on anyone but it sucks to see him doing well. However at the end of the day I hope he’s healed from whatever caused him to hurt me and makes something better of his life. Hopefully one day I’ll make something of my life too. 

14…22

Song: 29 by Demi Lovato

https://open.spotify.com/track/3gXWe15nwrjfhjYQ5RqLx7?si=w0Eir22tQVCxZgBVZK7Rrw