A Mess I Have Created For Myself.

It's a little bit complicated. I feel like I should be over this by now, feeling sad when they're sad- I mean, I'm literally the cause of it a lot of the time now. I hurt them, over and over, and they don't deserve that. I also don't feel like I deserve to feel sad when they feel sad because I have rejected them over and over. This is a mess I have created for myself, and I don't like it. I literally have thought about them being by my side for so long- I still do- so why deny us that? Well...

It's a little bit complicated. I told myself one night, after long hours of pain and heartbreak, that I would give them one more chance- give us one more chance; however, I was so tired. I was weak, and I preoccupied my mind with other things, like working out. I cried a lot and beat myself up for not being enough for them for about the next month. I told myself that everything was over before it was over, and that I was a husk of who I was before. Then I saw her.

I'm going to keep this very vague, but to fall in love again has been such a bittersweet experience. Especially when I was still with someone. Eventually, she found out and we talked about it. Again, there was a lot of crying, but she entrusted me with doing whatever I thought was right. Man, this sucks to talk about. Everything I have with her, being able to just sit down in the canyons in silence and for hours, driving late nights to random places... It's what I had always wanted. I wanted to be able to just spend time with the persons I love. Then I saw them again.

  I'm going to keep this very vague, but to fall in love again has been such an agonizing experience. All those nights kept up arguing, crying, curled up into a ball and wondering why I was still with them- the reasons why I'd endure those agonizing moments, they all kept flooding back to me. I remember their smile, the way they'd call out my name, their posture when they'd sit next to me, their cheerful glees and scrunched up eyes when they'd get really happy. It all burns so much and it makes me cry every time I think about how I threw that away. I sometimes think about seeing them again and I get scared and happy at the same time. I feel like I have been ensnared in a whirlwind of memories, but I just kept hurting them. "You made a terrible mistake", "But remember the pain!", "You still love them", "But you've already done the irreversible!", "What if they'll still take you back?", "What about her?!?"

They live only about a 30-minute drive away from me now, when it used to be five hours away. She is coming down to be around me for a month, when she is usually twenty-two hours away. Their stuff is still in my room. Hers is, too. I love them. I love her, too. This really is a mess I have created for myself.

Maybe I am destined to only look at their blog now. I'll see when they are happy and when they are sad. I doubt they'll see this entry- they're trying to forget me. They're starting school this year, and I'm so proud of them. I remember fearing that they would drop out or fail or ki-...

I told them that, if I ever figure this out, I'll come find them. I truly intend to keep that promise, but I also told them that I am scared that it'll be too late by the time I do. At least I'll be able to somewhat see if it is still safe to go back through the little window that is their blog. Maybe that's what's wrong with me: I am always looking for what is safe for me now. Haha, yeah, right...

I'll end this blog entry with some lyrics from my favorite band, Rabbit Junk:

          "I left you, reassured you"

           "Inside I know I lied"

             "Faith in this world to be civilized"

             "And I cannot rest and I cannot forgive myself"

    -Hero in Mr. Sholensk

       "An easy life that went too fast"

     "And now I'm wishing for the past"

            "Looking at all my life"

          "I feel an emptiness inside"

      "An easy life that went too fast"

       "Now I'm wishing for the past"

          "I feel an emptiness inside"

             -Roadside Art

   "A finger traces"

    "The curve of your spine"

    "A shiver across the skin"

           "A beautiful lie"

         -Reveal