Rambling about being an author

1) OMG YOU'RE A WRITER! SO IMPRESSIVE! 😮  What do you write??? *then they proceed to tell me about how they wish they were creative and have a plot idea for a book they've never written*

2) *shrug* Cool. So have I/a friend/family has too.

The first one is funny when they haven't read my work. What usually happens with that one is...

A) They ask for a link to my book which I give them and they promise to read it then never do.

B) They say they're not much of a reader but are still soooo impressed. 

C) They actually read my book. 

I don't know why it bothers me when people get so impressed that I published a book. I guess I feel like I didn't earn it. Getting good reviews always blows me away.  I always assume everything I do is trash. But that belief has been challenged since publishing my second book. (Yeah, I have 2 books out there. One's under a different name.) 

It was also challenged with my first book but I easily dismissed it all. 

Anyways publishing my second book it's gotten so many good reviews and compliments. (I'm trying not to brag and feel a little guilty writing this but I'm going to power through.)  

One day I was driving to get coffee and I let my mind wander a bit. I started thinking about the compliments I had gotten. The usual pang of guilt stabbed at me as my inner voice berated me not to believe what they said. 

When I was growing up I got praised for talking bad about myself and screamed at if I showed any signs of self love. I know it was horribly abusive. It drove me into a lot of unhealthy thinking patterns and habits. 

Back to the car ride (I promise I write better in my novels. I'm not a blogger. My specialty is fiction.)  My inner voice told me all about how they lied when they said anything positive about my writing. I wasn't allowed to believe it because I had to stay grounded in reality. 

But then another voice started talking. It said something like "Hold the fuck up! You mean to tell me all the people who compliment your book are lying? What are the odds of that? What reason do they have to lie to you? You barely know some of these people!" 

And then my evil inner voice was like, "They're just trying to be nice to spare your feelings."

Then the other voice said, "But a lot of people have said they like it and you have gotten some criticism. Honest and helpful criticism from some of the same people. Why would they do that? And why would so many people lie about saying they like it to spare your feelings?"

As I thought this over the nice voice in my head started to make more sense. I acknowledge I sound batshit crazy with all this talk of voices in my head. 

So there you have it.

When I get response 2 (*shrug* Cool. So have I/a friend/family has too.) It confuses me. It feels like I've entered a competition for who's the more impressive person. I have no idea how to respond. I will admit sometimes I get real shitty if they try get too braggy about themselves (not friends or family) when they clearly have nothing to back it up. One or two reviews, (usually one from a parent), a clear lack of editing and a professional looking cover. When I see this it tells me they put most of their money in a cool cover design and not in the actual story. I start showing them my positive reviews and act all innocent. I'm not proud of that though. It comes from a place of deep distain for pretentious people. It brings out a bad side of me. 😒

It frustrates me because so many authors go into writing expecting to be a success and that it will make them money. They're not writing to put something good into the world. They want to pump their ego. 

I forgot to mention a third response now that I think about it. Sometimes their eyes will light up and they'll get all excited and start telling me about their book (published or unpublished). I love these people because it doesn't feel like a competition. It feels like a connection. They'll ramble passionately about their plot and characters and it always makes my day. Seeing people excited and energized by their work is my favorite thing. 

Sometimes their work isn't great but you can tell they put a lot of work into it. But these are the people who will someday publish something amazing if they have a willingness to learn. A first book published usually isn't the person's best novel. But putting out something you worked so hard on is amazing. Those are the people I love meeting. 

I know this isn't well written. I found myself cringing a lot watching myself make classic writing errors. But this is a blog. My specialty is fiction. I need to put my editing in my books. Editing is so draining so this is what you get. lol

Thank you for reading!