I've realized very recently how much more closed off I've been since I got out of an abusive relationship two years ago. It took me two years to realize I guess but I haven't been able to be open and vulnerable since which I guess I should've known. I overshare a lot and I trauma dump and I complain constantly but never do I actually connect it to my emotions. I'll tell someone what happened and how i reacted or maybe vaguely like "it made me mad" but never the in depth genuine description of my feelings. I can tell you that my friend getting heavy into drugs made me mad. But I can't tell you that it made me mad because I'm constantly shaking because I'm so fufkign scared I'm going to lose her to them. I'm angry at her because I genuinely will not be able to function or live if she dies and I'm mad at her because I cannot watch her die at her own hand but I can't stand to leave her alone and I'm mad that I want to leave so I don't have to watch it happen. I'm mad that my friends eating disorder is coming back because I'm mad that I can't do anything to fix it and I hate that I'll watch him lose himself again and I hate that he won't listen to me and I hate that he won't just try to help himself I KNOW it's not that easy but it Has to be because I Cannot watch it I can't watch it happen and I'm Angry because I'm so so scared I feel like a child. And never in my life before that stupid abusive man would I havw only been able to say this ONLY to a blog that only one person I perceive can see and not to a therapist or a trusted friend. I can't even tell them what I really mean when I say certain things or how I understood what they say I've lost the ability to fucking communicate basic feelings and thoughtsbi ts been 2 fucking years seth get out of my fucking mind stop influencing every single fucking thing I do I cant do it anymore man.
Cw: mentions abuse and eating disorders and drugs