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Got in a big fight with mom. its been a while since she was this bad, i had thought she had changed/gotten better so thats why i was gonna be staying with her for a few weeks. she has really bad bpd so its really difficult. she had started screaming and yelling at me. i was scared that she was going to hurt me so i locked the bedroom door, she was banging on it and trying to break in. she called my dad to pick me up and she started crying saying i was screaming and yelling at her, saying things to make herself the victim. the only words i said were in whispers saying "momma please stop" "mom please dont hurt me" "mom go away please i dont feel safe"
when my dad was on his way i packed up all my stuff and left. she keeps texting me and trying to act like everything is fine.
a janator at school the other day was also screaming and yelling at me, she pushed me out of the boys bathroom and saying "your always going to be a girl" and "stop trying you will never be a boy". i was just trying to use the bathroom.
a few minutes later i had went to the gender neutral bathroom so i could just have space but her and another janitor were standing right in front of me, whispering, stairing, and chuckling at me.
i dont feel comfortable at my dads house either. hes too pushy, he talks too much, he never gives me the space i need, and he never listens.
he keeps saying "i love you and im just trying to help you" but honestly he makes me feel worse. i tell him that and that i need space but he never listens. i cant even lock the door in my room at my dads place anymore because he will end up opening it with a tool.
i can tell hes on the verge of sending me away again. i cant go back there, i was stuck there for 4 months, dealing with the abuse of other patients and the abuse and control of the councelors.
i dont know what to do anymore. im quite litterally a animal trapped in a corner whos getting more and more agressive and more and more likely to act out violently.
and now look at me, im so desperate im fucking talking to a computer, sending out this message to people who will most likely never see it. and if they do. they wont care
i need to come up with a plan soon to stop all of this.
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