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we finally made it to ten. im surprised considering how long it took & surprised isnt even the word because im not really sure how that feels. kind of just have this void of a feeling. so deep & empty its almost as if there were no emotion at all, just whats left when theres nothing there to feel. to be honest its always how ive felt so trying at life is hard because theres nothing i feel & although feelings arent you, theyre a part of you. but im left with this void. unable to feel anything besides the lack of. the act of caring about others in an outwardly way has never seemed doable for me & my rants on here are about how lonely i am so theres some perspective. no one wants me (in their life) but only because i dont show them enough of who i am. the opposing side is that im still me & people will still want me for me but the world was conditioned to have you be one certain & specific type of way. im too many different types of ways. (let the examples commence:)
i went to a roller rink over a month ago, met this pretty girl with pink hair & a whole bunch of handmade jewelry. we had a couple of nice friendly conversations & decided to exchange numbers. we barely spoke after that just a few convos here & there throughout the week. she was in school so i know that texting a person you just met isnt priority. ill skip all the boring "getting to know you" parts & just say we dont talk anymore. it lasted a couple of weeks of barely talking. i had though i finally made a new friend. but she just never texted me back & i know i couldve texted her again but because of the undisclosed context, i didnt. it seemed as if the person i was showing her wasnt enough to continue pursuing a friendship with. not that i blame her im alot & nothing at all, all at the same time. i say this to say im not cared about because i coudnt care. lifes good old fashion way of irony.
the only person who i would say actually cares for me, cares for me too much. & i know thats a horrible thing to say considering my extremely lonely situation. he cares too much & its not good because i dont care enough. sensitive people need their feelings handled sensibly & i cant do that because i dont have any. i also wish i can feel bad for him & change, be better & do better but i cant feel enough to even care. i hope he does okay but i avoid everything. i just want to be able to be more than just someone you depend on. someone to escape reality with & not someone who drags me back into it.
my other problem: avoiding real life. this isnt what i want in life therefore i refuse to acknowledge it. but this also makes me more isolated because no one wants to go back to basics & live a life that seems crazy to people nowadays. living connected back with nature & not dependent on modern societies. yeah netflix is nice but so is sitting under the stars conversing with your people. this sounds absurd i know, im crazy for even thinking like that but thats exactly why ill continue to imagine something that now seems imaginary. because in a life where you just have all of yous & no one else the idea of living life how you want is just in your head. not reality. a life where i can care & be cared for just feels like a day dream. too much of be but not enough.
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