I am living in the home that my ex husband & I raised our 2 kids in, again. After having Matthew in Santa Cruz, I became a stay at home mom again, until the money ran out. James was kind enough to welcome Matthew & I into the house again & the plan was that I would save money to move at some point. I had saved a good chunk of money just before getting pregnant with Matthew. I was squirreling away money so He & I could go to Paris. In the end, Paris was "maternity leave". I went back to work when Matthew was 5 or 6 months old.
He was the best baby.
He slept through nite, ate good, everything. This time was one of the happier couple years I had ever spent apart from Him. I had a beautiful new son who was certainly part angel, the job that I had never dreamed I would have, that I loved & was great at. My boss had fallen in love me. He was a charismatic immigrant from Syria with a sense of humor that was absolutely unmatched. The intelligence that had to come with learning a second language & mastering it so well that he could make anyone around him laugh, was very attractive. His heart was pure (although he was extraordinarily money driven). He was dirt poor growing up, so I excused this character flaw as a lasting trauma from childhood. He was in a green card marriage, that while happy, friendly & with 2 kids, was absent of passion.
I was busy waiting. Like always.
Yervant hadn’t even occurred to me.
He just so happened to be my boss & a human I enjoyed being around immensely. So when he professed his love for me after a work party on New Year’s Eve, I was taken aback.
I had never looked up.
He had offered me a ride home from the party (prior to his confession), he is thoughtful in that way. He didn’t want me on the subway after a few drinks in Downtown. I had accepted, not knowing what was coming. I would have never put myself in that situation.
When we stopped in front of the house, he leaned in to kiss me.
I moved away, instinctively.
I was not to be touched by anyone but Him.
My body recoiled.
Somehow, he landed a kiss still.
I was not ever attracted to this man, but in that moment I could feel fire in him. I was confused at a glimpse of passion that didn’t include Matthew's dad. The one without the other literally didn’t add up in my brain.
It made zero sense to me.
Not to be pushed aside, the Universe had a message for me on New Year's Day. I stepped outside with my cup of coffee to TWO fire rainbows in the sky above me that morning.
(This makes me realize I never fixed the HTML for the photos of the fire rainbows I snapped this morning. I was supposed to fix them on a blog a couple posts back. Not sure anyone is reading this thing anyways.)
In the following weeks Yervant pursued me endlessly. I gave in. Not because I thought anything would come of it.
Because I knew nothing would come of it.
He was married. This would never go anywhere. He was too loyal to leave his wife. I was too loyal to put anyone else in first place. That spot was taken.
I could still be waiting.
So, I could enjoy time with this man who made me laugh, & when He came around again, I would be free to part ways with this lovely soul to go into the realm in between.
Yervant & I had a relationship that caught me off guard. I loved him. This man had showed me that this feeling existed outside of the headspace of Him.
A complete anomaly.
Once again, something that didn’t compute in my brain. The exception to the rule, the wildcard, that 1 in a million person that actually made me feel something.
But I still waited.
I could always feel Him coming & I felt it growing.
The nearing of something that is not supposed to occur on this plain. Something that joins you between this world & the next. A mesh of energy that got hacked into your head from the other side. A current that free flowed between us.
It was close.
Things started to occur all around me that let me know he wouldn’t be long. Our time together would be soon. Things everywhere started to pile up. A scrap of paper on the ground had his name, Pictures of You would come on the radio in the car, people passing me would speak his name in casual conversation. Calls would roll into my phone from his area code, strange, seemingly “junk” texts held messages that only he & I would “get”.
Once again, he was everywhere.
It would occur scrolling Instagram, in emails, even on my work computer, would have details that seemed out of place & reminded me of him. My phone began acting strange. All of the tell tale signs were aligning & I knew.
The waiting would be over soon.
Yervant & I began fighting around this time. We were hot & passionate & jealous. We each thought the other may be doing something. What he had no idea about, is that I was doing something. The other man was Yervant. I had stepped out on a soul pact with fate to kill time. Now I had also developed feelings & I knew that was a no no. This was not allowed. I could feel it in the core of my being.
Somehow I felt Him perturbed. Not angry, but ready to stop this meandering of mine in its tracks.
I had gone off the map.
I don't do that.
I stay the course. Meandering is his specialty.
Yervant was the wildcard neither of us saw coming. He was not invited.
The internet was alive with him reminding me that he was the one.
Of all the occurrences where I felt the tide shifting to align me back with the one I always was waiting for, it was a day I came home to my beautiful toddler’s chin split open. I could see the meat inside his delicate face. I arrived home to the nanny letting me know he may need stitches. I felt the Otherside abuzz. It was peeking in. His chin had been split open from a stupid skateboard the freaking nanny had brought to the house that morning. Right where his father has the same scar. Another reminder he was close.
In the other side of that moment, I saw a reflection of myself in His own mother, as Matthew’s chin was open in front of me, like his father’s had been when he was a child. I was an emotional wreck raising boys on my own, like her.
I was missing the other half.
I was waiting.
I was truly doing my best.
No one knew I was shredded on the inside. I smile through that shit.
From the stories I had heard, she was messy. She was a drug addict. She left her young boys unattended to get injured, with little supervision. She & I were not quite the same, but the parallels were obvious.
The mirror was there.
Making do how she could, but with the inevitable slip ups of life as a woman trying to stand on her own with more responsibility than her emotional constitution was originally built for. It’s not that she couldn’t handle it, but because she couldn’t handle it as perfectly as she had hoped, or as neatly as it seemed to everyone else.
As for me, I put one foot in front of the other as I waited. I could certainly put on a show. It may appear perfect outwardly. I am a professional at curating this image. All I had to do was tweak it a little behind the scenes until I was actually there…to perfect. I would do better. I could be perfect. If I am, he might show.
The irony of this thought process is that this man had scooped me up into this dreamlike journey while I was a mess. It really started when I was using drugs fairly regularly. He knew I was using. I was distraught after our first nite together. Immediately hooked. Every step after that nite, I had to make a concerted effort to act as if all was fine. That skill set became strong. I had ample time to practice. The endless thoughts of him streamed through my mind incessantly. Missing him was part of my routine. He had invaded my brain & every thought thereafter.
I started to worry with Matthew's chin open in front of me.
Would I turn my son into his father?
Would Matthew pick up on this shadow side I hid from everyone?
He was, after all, his fathers son.
Would he have that same fierce knowing?
See right through me?
Perceive the empty side I kept shrouded behind a smile?
The day he split his chin open opened a flood gate in my mind.
Would he become cold raised by a single mom with a hole in her chest?
Would he turn out like the grown man that denied his son was even his?
I could feel the Universe whirling in my thoughts with me. We were concerned.