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Him ~ July 2015


July 2015

The hope of him returning was pretty bleak at this point. I had reached out to him like an absolute idiot. He was not pleased. Matthew was about 1. Not only did he deny that he thought Matthew was even his, he point blank told me:
“I am not in love with you. Move on.”

He was still with the redhead.
I know this man. In my heart I knew that he knew Matthew was his. If any one knew the way I felt, it was him.
No matter what information I disseminated to those around me in regards to him, I was sure He & I knew the truth. I would never turn my back on him, let alone touch anyone else when we were together. This was next to impossible for me to do when he was sleeping with half of Orange County. It wouldn’t dare cross my mind. My fortress was strong. I was sure he knew I wouldn’t have possibly stepped out on him. No matter what lies this man would tell himself, I knew he couldn’t possibly believe that whopper. I would get confirmation of this years later.
He surely knew.
He knew me as well as he knew himself. He knew I wasn’t with anyone else.
He chose to argue & ride out a relationship with the redhead, while disavowing his son. I imagine that would have caused problems he wasn’t ready to deal with between him & her.

Instead he lied to her.
To me.
To himself.

Why things always unfold this way, I will not understand. I imagine there is a lesson everytime. Either for he or I to hammer into our head one more time.
In the end of our exchange, I had simply asked for him to sign over his parental rights to me. He didn’t have to have anything to do with either of us.
Just sign, you are free.
No child support, we won't bother you ever again.
He refused.
My children bring out a backbone I don’t have for myself, not with him.
As for anyone else?
I will cut you out and not give a flying fuck.
If you cross a line or wrong me, be prepared.
And I don't look back. Friends, lovers, relatives. I am not to be messed with.
You don’t cross lines with me. I am fiercely loyal & if you are not, I don’t have space for you.
My heart & mind are so skilled at building architecture to keep you out.
You have no idea.
This is easy.
I am known for this.
I am strangely proud of this quality & its lasting, indestructible strength. Most look at it as a character flaw of extreme stubbornness, but this vital skill has served me better than most.
I could never muster this with him. The fortress in my heart built around Him was untouchable & those walls refused to fall. I ended up having the government garnish his paycheck. Not because I wanted his money. Because I wanted to be the thorn in his side. Every week he would remember that he had a son he walked out on.
I could have a bonfire with the money & enjoy it just as much.
The money was never the point.

He knows he can behave any way with me. I see his motivations 100% of the time. No matter how much his words may sting. I know him like I know myself.
I wanted to be clear that this would not be the case with Matthew.
The child support was more of a line in the sand for him.
Messing with my kids in any way will get you fucked up.

He ended up reaching out to me about a year after the child support debacle. I am always grateful to hear from him. We usually take turns after a break up, reaching out.
Never would my door be closed, not for him.
He knows this.
Even so, he said all the things I know he isn't comfortable saying. Which included that I am the one who really "gets" him, of all the women he has known.
Ah. Another thing I knew in the core of my soul, finally confided to me.

He was vulnerable.
This is the man I know to be underneath all of his efforts to keep us at arms length from each other & all of the fire he has breathed at me when he is faced with a truth he is not yet willing to relinquish himself to.

He wants to take the detour.
To be very sure it's not a dead end. He wants to try to get to the destination without looking at the map, he is so fucking stubborn.
Then he is back.
We discuss that we are ready to try to make it right, fix our issues we ran into the time before.
We each have our strengths & I am sure he is light years ahead of me, so I let him take the lead most days we are together. He is extremely intelligent & his brain & logic lead. My heart does the leading & she tends to be wild. So, I let him take the driver's seat. His methods may seem questionable, but usually lead us to a huge lesson, which is the point. We are here to learn & fix our trauma & make it through to the otherside of it.
We do this dance, every couple years.

The emotions we evoke in each other are difficult & it's not always pretty. We go through turbulent shit. We are both extremely imperfect human individuals, with childhoods that provide us...a great sense of humor, we will say.
We are both very spiritually advanced. This combination tends to dredge up our past traumas in each other. I think that's why the Universe throws us together.
So we heal that shit.
We are both aware of this.
If we know nothing else, we know this.
But I am drawing a line at the step he is now taking.
Or is this part of the lesson for me right now? To feel the flip side of the coin? Am I to know what it feels like to be waiting for him while he is married? He did this for me for about 6 months. We were together about 6 months before I separated from my husband.
He had already expedited his divorce.
I knew it bothered him, he would comment how I could never stay the nite with him & he would refuse to drive me home. I always had to call a cab. He always spent the nite in the hotels by himself.
Until that infamous October.
At that point, I needed to experience him with the new levels of knowing I had & it did not disappoint.
This was the evening he had asked me to move closer, when I finally stayed the nite.
So, is it now my turn to know what that feels like?
Is this my karma he is delivering?
My karma for knowing the Universe was clearly outlining what she wanted & then I defied her for 6 months?
I stayed married knowing that it was not my person, for my children.
At least that's what I told myself, it was for my kids.

Until my head cracked open.
The Universe was probably like:
"This bitch is so dense! Get the crowbar. She is not going to get it unless we whack her over the head in this Bloomies today".

Ugh. I am at a loss which way to go today.
I know what the final destination was to be.
Do I let him fall asleep with someone who won't evoke anything in him? Let him have his even keeled marriage, as I had mine?
Take my karma like a big girl?
Or do I continue to shake him awake before he is asleep for years?
I waited too long.
I think he has decided normal is easier, more comfortable.
Extraordinary is hard.
The Universe is not happy.
Fucking Christ.

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