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Him ~ Early January 2020


Early January 2020

The kids & I have come back home from a holiday stay in Santa Cruz.
When I sit to edit some photos for work that evening, I find my fucking computer's C drive rearranged.
Not the first time in the last 6 months, but it is bad this time.
It is nearly unrecognizable. The folders are all new, things I had never fucking seen.
I am livid.
For starters, I hate change. I also really don’t like the thought of someone accessing my PC when I am not fucking home. Not only does it remnd me of him, I am completely paranoid.
My trust issues run so deep I don’t want to let security patches through.
I rarely do security updates, dumb, I know. But if the one person I know who could access my PC remotely at will, actually bothered to do so, NO security update is gonna do shit to stop him.
Besides, I haven’t heard from him in almost a year & I am sure he's shopping for a new redhead before I will see him again.
He would not be hacking my system.
He obviously doesn’t give a flying fuck.
But maybe it is time for a new computer?
Maybe a new router too. The computer I work on is outdated, & my wireless always drops. No one in the house seems to have an issue with the wifi but me.

James explains to me it was probably a Microsoft update. I’ve heard this fucking lame ass excuse so many times.
It's so tired.
He had a key to my home & I start to wonder if he’s sneaking in to update my computer? That would be weird, but he knows I never do it & why I don't bother.
I decide I wouldn’t put it past him.


I go to do laundry the following day after a week in the mountains with the fam. A pair of his boxers are on top of my laundry pile. Not James’s, his.
I am frozen.
I recognize them from his last stay with Matthew & I.
It was delicious.
It always was.
How the fuck did they get on the top of my laundry pile? They had to have been deep in my closet in a laundry bin I have never gotten to the bottom of since my move to this apartment. Almost a year. I am not proud of this fact, I just want to illustrate that
1. This laundry bin was in the back of my closet
2. The door to my closet barely opened at the time because I throw everything in that closet if I am doing a quick clean for appearances.
This means James was rifling through the closet while we were out of town.
He has no respect for my personal boundaries or privacy & now it appears he was outright snooping while I wasn’t home.
He does this in front of my face, which isn’t any better. But it irks me that he came in to do it while I wasn’t home. I haven’t slept with anyone since Matthew's dad & I'm sure James suspects it’s him & wants to wave the discovery in my face.
Fucking creep.
I wash them.
I put them in my drawer, happy to have them as a reminder. I usually abolish reminders.
James is fucking out of his mind for tearing through my closet.
But I’m glad to have them. I had no idea they were there.
I vow to start drawing a line for James in regards to respecting my privacy.
I have nothing to hide, but JFC, a line needs to be drawn.
He is so far past the line it’s ridiculous.

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