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Him ~ 2007 Part 2 - Journal entry 8-17-21


2007 - Part 2

This was the year He & I spent some together. My life had become a series of moments woven together by the universe, which he starred in. Reminders of him plastered on my Yahoo home page & the news while I was stalking his blog. He was inside my head thanks to Apple, be it a song I had put on, or one that my Ipod had decided to play for me.
The evening I got home from spending a good 5 hours with him (to my husband & 2 children) came a crash I did not anticipate.
If you thought I was looney tunes before, fucking forget it.
I was now a goner.
I missed him the moment I stepped through the door.
Around 3 months after our first evening alone, things got even weirder in my day to day life. We had spent a few evenings together by the time my brain cracked open.

I know this entry is labeled 2007, but I have spliced it with my jornal entry from 8-17-21, because the explanation I have given below goes hand in hand with the happenings that started in 2007.

Also of note, I am not uploading these in the order I write them, because I am a mess like that 😂



Doors are hard to open today.

Grabbing a sweater to take Matthew to school, I ripped the handle clean off the hall closet. Closing the door to the apartment on our way out, my body turned to lock it. Weird.
This is not routine.
I never lock the door.

The door is always open.

On the outskirts of one of the largest metropolises in the country, on a busy corner, with 3 kids, loose sapphire, diamonds, rubies, an assortment of gold & fine jewelry I have designed as large as a small jewelry store laying about my room, the door is always left open.
A symbolic link that wafts out into the universe for him.

The door is open.

Today, the door was locked for Matthew's walk to school. I only do this in moments when I am throwing a hissy fit to the universe. If he has done something that upsets me, the door gets locked. My way of throwing a silent tantrum in the nether. It's a very, very unsettling feeling. The universe does not like it when I lock the door. It was like a muscle memory from long ago. I had reverted to a creature of habit. A normal person, locking their home when they step out. The divine knowledge that I must keep the door open, leaking like a sieve out of my brain. Or being pushed out from listening to “Only” on repeat & having the Poltergeist girl as my screensaver again. These trusty little warriors I have chosen for the front lines are masters at creating voids where once engrained habits were filed. They were at attention, ready to fight any battle in my stream of consciousness that included him. They were ready, even if I was not.
I locked the door & we were off to Matthew's second day of school. Matthew is more curious than a cat. If he was a cat, he would have gone through his nine lives in the first 10 minutes of quarantine. The questions are neverending. A chimera of this world & the next is hard to handle. Sometimes his questions, the phrasing or the thought behind them make my hair stand on end. Today, he wanted to know why a rooster crows at dawn.
How strange.
I had never thought of it. I suppose he is excited for a day full of sunshine & wonder. He calls out for all to rise & shine & if you are truly listening with a pure heart, possibly you will pick up on the divine, scattered all around you.
If you bother to look up.
This is not the answer I said out loud. Grown humans would think I was off my rocker if I voice what happens upstairs. I learned early in this journey to keep my mouth shut. This knowledge is not for everyone. Only those who seek will find. You need to let most people continue with their eyes & ears closed until they are ready.
Maybe say something to gently prod them that there is something more.

"Never say never" ~ "Anything is possible”

A little something about me:
My inner monologue is so abundant that I often come across as scattered, ditzy, forgetful. The amount of thoughts I am having vs. what I say is like a single grain of sand on a beach. The plethora of decisions of what to say to whom is grueling. Words are chosen carefully for each different person. To deliver a message they will be receptive to. A sentence sewn with a delicate thread from the Otherside is not as easy to craft as you may think.
A sentence not communicated this way is a waste of my breath & endless hours of learning. I fumble for words often. I often look like a moron, (but mostly) I am not. I need to get more skilled at delivery. I am worlds away from where I was. I still need fine tuning.
Anyways, back to the rooster.
Matthew simply deduced that whoever had a rooster was lucky. They could be up early, enjoying the day earlier than most.
I used to do this. Sunrise was my favorite time of day. I would be up at 4:30am, as early as I could get up without looking insane to my children.
James thought I was insane anyways.
I would do this nearly every morning after he & I had touched for the first time. I hadn't realized it immediately, it took a few months for my brain to fully comprehend the strange happenings that were even more rampant in my life after our first touch. These strange happenings continued at a rate of outrageous persistence after that. The universe screaming like a banshee at me nonstop to get me to look up.

I did, that October.

The fog of this reality lifted. The Space Between would slowly spill out, revealing what was to become part of my permanent catalogue of knowing each day. Drops of mystical knowledge downloaded into my psyche at such a prevalent rate it was sensational in the beginning. My brain, frantically filing away vast amounts of knowledge every morning at sunrise, or whenever I would be at rest. A lot would also come on the verge of sleep. Visions would flash. Experiences I recalled. Not from this life, but they were most certainly me. I was always eager to open my eyes at sunrise to have a wondrous freeflow of energy with the Otherside. I would stand on the back porch with a pack of cigarettes, a cup of coffee & my iPod Touch. It was a magick ritual of mine. Before most of the world bothered to open their eyes, I had soaked up more of the divine than I had ever heard about. The morning meeting in the Space Between began to skew my outlook on the mundane.
Slowly, a tea cup wasn't an ordinary tea cup.
It was a messenger.
Spilling secrets & sitting on this counter top at this moment in time to herald a message from the other side.
Everything became that way.
Everything was symbolic for a divine telegram. There were few & far between cryptic messages that would get by me. Sometimes I would get stuck & reach out for help to a human I trusted, to gain their insight & to divulge the crazy happenings to. The divine's way of making sure I shared the path with others. These people were few. The usual suspects were Kat & James.
Oh man did James think I was a nut.
Let me explain a bit.

If the following sounds crazy to you, (HERE IS YOUR INTERMITANT REMINDER: I KNOW, I was you 15 years ago), that's okay. You are welcome to write me off as some flighty, Californian, vegetarian woman who read one too many books in the series The Secret while smoking some indica & drinking kambucha. For the record, I never read those books.
They were not part of the curriculum.

You know the map your brain has of all the things you associate with say, your favorite pair of shoes. You think of the time it came untied, where you were, what it smelled like. You recall wearing them to an event. Maybe you met someone at the event who said something that always sticks in your brain for some reason. This was how seemingly complex messages were delivered. I would see the shoes & remember the phrase I had heard.
That was the message. The universe was trying to relay that sentiment, in this moment.
I don't know if that makes sense, but an endless stream of on point messages would make it directly to my "Universal Inbox" this way. A mosaic of images, songs, any random thing you could think of. They were clear. On point. Always correct. No room for misinterpretation. I began to have a sixth sense via tea cups, shoes & numbers. Any fucking thing you could think of, did not simply "just so happen to be sitting there".
That's the message.
All day, everyday.
Your job is to figure out why you are consistently seeing something, or why you took notice of it in the first place.
Why did this particular thing make it through the filter? Most things we walk by, oblivious.
So why did you take notice of the cup of tea?
The universe is waiting on you to listen, to hear.

I remember having trouble with one persistent sign. Some signs will come through over & over, until I figure them out. Then it’s on to the next one. Some pan out years later, some the next moment. There is no pattern as far as I can tell.
So, I kept seeing the number 40 everywhere. 40 reminded me of nothing. I called in the troops.
Kat had nothing that held meaning for me here.
She is ground zero for these exchanges. We piece together the messages that come through, that need more interpretation, or are perhaps delivered to the wrong "Inbox". We are successful 9/10. We communicate the message & sometimes, it was meant for the other. The message has found its rightful owner. The mailman didn't get confused. The universe is reminding us that an important part of this journey we call Life, is not to go it alone. Share your crazy thoughts when you can, with the people who would understand. Small doses if needed. In Kat's case, our freeflow of crazy is the only way we communicate. Traffic & daily happenings are not this. They are elevated to an interpretation of why.
Why was there traffic?
James ended up giving me the answer to this riddle from the other side.
40 was the End.
When he said it, it struck a chord in me.
That's when I know. He could have said "dog food" & if that struck a chord, that would have been the answer.
The universe had a way of letting me know I was on track.
It meant the End.
No question.

Now, I don't know if this is how it happens for most people with a........ hmmmm...let's call it...."a gift". But for me, it happened in the middle of the day while I was shopping at Bloomingdale's. I had become shockingly aware the universe was trying to get messages across to me. But now, on this Fall day, as I strolled with a cup of Starbucks looking for a new pair of jeans, every molecule in this Bloomingdale's starting screaming to me.
At least that's what it felt like.
I was a fairly normal human prior to this moment, enjoying seeing meaningful synchronicities in her day to day life up to this point.
I could now feel the Otherside alive, all around me. Whether it was the total of the customer’s receipt in front of me in line was the last 4 digits of his phone number, a guy in the department next me with his same messy hair, Dickies & Converse get up, or if it was a friend's parent who had passed on earlier that year, joining me in the elevator so I could courier a message for them.
I almost dropped dead in Bloomies that day.
I made it outside to smoke & calm my nerves. I wasn't terrible at hiding my out-of-place reactions by this time. I had been getting a little practice from all of the jaw dropping signs that had been thrown in my path so far. You can't see one & be like "OMG" with your mouth open if you are out in public. Or laugh when it's funny (the universe has a great sense of humor). You look nutso when you stroll around like that. I learned to stifle laughter, wear shades (I had never liked them) & generally not look like a crazy person while a steady stream of chatter from the universe flies through you.

It was like a switch flipped that day in Bloomingdale's. The universe roared to life & it has been that way for me everyday since. I can quiet my mind a lot better now. It was such a racket at first, it was a fucking trip. All of the, well, everything flowing in my mind, eyes, ears, ALL my senses. I may get tingly or cold, I will see white flashes & sparkles.... I straight up get messages dropped in my brain. I likened it to him dropping files into my hard drive, it made me laugh. All of a sudden, they just pop in.
It got pretty hectic, so I started making lists of the repeating stuff. I reached out to a couple friends who had had loved ones pass. At the time, I hadn't come to grips with what was happening (& still now, if I am honest, I do not advertise this sixth sense I have, AT ALL). I did not tell these folks their loved ones had stopped in for a chat with me. I just offered support via a conversation & the ONE thing I tell everyone who has someone pass. They are always with you.

I imagined when it first started happening, this was the trick psychics used. No one had let the cat out of the bag yet.
It was as simple as looking up to talk with her.
I suppose it was a trade secret like a magicians disappearing act. You don't divulge the "how". Then everyone could do the trick.
Now you know. That's how I do it.
I suppose everyone has different ways of getting messages from the unknown. Maybe their gift is different than mine.
I don't call it a gift because it is always pleasant. I call it a gift because I am eternally grateful for it.

These happenings are sometimes hard to integrate with behaving like a "normal" person. I guess that was out the window years ago, so the universe was like “Meh, she's a good candidate because everyone already thinks she is a fucking psycho".
But OH MAN. In order to not alert the rest of the world that you are different, that your reality consists of many more layers than theirs, is fucking challenging.
Not to stop & fucking yell at the sky:
I am a ballsy bitch & even the universe gets a taste sometimes 😂
Suffice to say, it has its draw backs, certainly.
Training myself not to react was one of the harder aspects of it. It is impossible to control these happenings, so you need to master a good level of self control. I find myself using my peripheral vision, to always be aware of my surroundings, if possible. You want to know when it’s absolutely necessary to keep yourself in check, or if you are missing anything that has been put in your path. Although I find that if you are meant to see it, you will.
She won’t stop if she wants to get a point across.
I was like Whoopie Goldberg in Ghost at first. I would find myself speaking out loud to a messenger no one else knew was there, unless it was, say, a tea cup. Which is less crazy, but still betrays my life long theater of normalcy. It really messes with that. Trying to behave like I had it all together & was a fully functioning "normal" person became an olympic sport. A juggling act. The crazy was spilling out everywhere. This is definitely one of the hardest aspects, although 14 years in, I am about as good as I can get at it.
Kat will call & ask for advice & it's easy to give. I look at my surroundings for cues & relay that information. The grass was green to my left. That meant he was lying. Don't fall for it. A large hill up ahead? Do not take that job. No matter how good it sounds. This has become second nature & I am largely on point. I still struggle sometimes & I am human, so never perfection. Maybe an Easter egg included, or a twist on the interpretation you hadn't expected.
But, 9/10, I am on point.
My gift works for other people.
The universe doesn't let me see a whole lot of what is in store for me.
Future happenings, etc.

There are a few things she has laid out, clearly.
I will live to see my children grown & happy.
I was told in 2008 that I would have his son.
I knew Matthew was on his way 6 years before he was born.
And finally, the reason I think she got ahold of me in the first place.
He is the One.

This decision I have made, is not a decision at all. Being with someone else is next to impossible for me. It is the way I navigate my life. But particularly with this knowledge, it seems so silly to sign up for a dating site or even waste the time.
If I am not with him, I wait.

I arrive home from dropping Matthew at school.
What a clusterfuck. LAUSD could have had a better rollout post quarantine.
Ah, something to think about today, besides him. I will get to work interpreting why that is.
I arrive back at the lobby of my apartment building.
The key sticks in the lock. I jiggle for 10 minutes, double checking the key. It's the right one. Humph.

The fucking door won't open.


A little more about signs I get on the regular....
Signs came in various shapes & sizes. One I would get frequently would be fire rainbows. Signs can be a wide variety of things, this one is the "Urgent" list rather than the "To Do" list. The "To Do" list would consist of, let's say the subtle feeling I get walking down the street & wanting to cross to avoid walking next to someone with bad energy.
Fire rainbows were a:
"Hey bitch! Pay attention! We have a situation ahead!".
They were like a bat signal.
Interpretations varied, but eventually it was clear they were signs I had ventured off plan, or something important of that nature. They were loud & clear, an unmistakable message in the sky.
I would point them out to whoever I was with. Not relaying the signifigance it had to myself, but as a reminder for people to look up. Pay attention. Most people had never seen one. They are everywhere for me, with the exclusion of 2020 &; the first few months of 2021, being indoors & all.
After the quarantine lifted, I was at no place in my state of mind to be out & looking up is definitely still out. It's been awhile since I have seen one. But at the beginning of 2020, I didn't need a fire rainbow flashing in my face to know an urgent message was being relayed.
Sitting at the computer made it undeniable.

[[[Okay, so below there is supposed to be a couple pictures of fire rainbows I took.
I still struggle with relearning little snippets of HTML. I will figure out how to get it to show up, but I have an errand, so later!]]]

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