I would like to say before starting this entry:
Nothing like this had happened to me before.
I know I keep saying this.
But it’s important to me, because in the beginning, I was tripped out. Had I taken too many mushrooms as a young girl?
Was this an eternal flashback?
These things now happen to me all day.
For the last 15 years.
Some days quieter than others.
The first iPod Touch with WiFi & Safari had come out. It was now possible to have music, books & a computer in your back pocket.
I was enamored.
I could have him next to me at all times.
I had bought him an iPod Touch for his birthday this year. I bought myself one a few months later. A life altering experience.
Music & the internet were intrinsically tied to him in my mind. Nearly interchangeable. I could flip on the music & the internet & feel him with me. No matter how far apart we were. It was as if the music wasn’t playing.
He was playing the music.
How could that be? Was I absolutely mental? Did everything remind me of him & I was just associating what I saw with him? Or was he there?
The coincidences I had to write off were insurmountable to believe it was all in my head. But that was far more likely than the idea that the sexiest man in the world would spend the time to do the things that would take place when I held that fucking iPod Touch in my hands. It was like opening Jumanji the very first iPod Touch I owned. Music would play that we had listened to or discussed. Every iPod I have ever owned, had a mind of its own. It would skip itself to random songs, not the one I had chosen. OFTEN. Ones that held meaning, or pertained to what I was doing or thinking in the moment, it would play music when I hadn’t even pressed play yet, the list goes on.
It was certainly possible he was behind some of it, but there would be other things that I could never explain.
Things that occurred out & about in the real world that no computer genius could ever orchestrate.
The universe had tossed her hat in the ring.
It was literally like I felt the push from the universe. There is no other way to explain it.
It sounds ludicrous.
But I would be lying if I said this did not feel big to me.
The ever persistent thought that I might actually be out of my mind was always a close second.
This is where things may be hard to follow. It may be too much. This is why I don't tell the story to anyone. It sounds like absolute Crazytown.
And it was.
Between the universe & the iPod, the signs were pointed. Unambiguous. Consistent. Jarring. Synchronistic. Undeniable. I would relay these outrageous happenings to my friend Kat, who is also heavily into metaphysics.
It wasn’t me.
These things were fucking rampant, everywhere, abundant.
I had to get confirmation that I wasn't reading into things. That's how weird it was.
I started to feel as if I needed a sounding board.
That the crazy way I felt about him was making me see him in everything. Although, it was becoming apparent that that wasn't the case.
I am so lucky to have a friend that I felt like would truly listen to all of these happenings.
I had to face some very strange facts as a “normal” married stay at home mom now. This was not normal, as much as I tried to present the very normal "happy nuclear family" exterior. This was getting BANANAS. So, here, my life takes a turn.
At this point, I had no choice.
I let my facade drop in front of my husband. It was getting too weird. I would laugh out loud at what the universe had put in path while my husband was with me. Be it while my husband & I were at the grocery store & the checker said something to me that He had texted me earlier that day, or the informercial or radio personality James had switched the channel to, all had his name. It was everywhere, all the time. Even my very practical, straight laced, normal husband could see the coincidences.
But there are no coincidences.
This fact I could no longer deny.
The universe had something to say & she wasn't subtle.
James started to melt down.
Around this time, I was told I could no longer text or speak on the phone with Him.
James was pissed.
It was in his face.
Not just because I was texting someone that he could tell (at the very least) I had a little history with & had a crush on, but the computer & the universe wouldn't be quiet.
Yahoo homepage would do the same thing every morning.
His name would be everywhere.
Little reminders that I know James couldn't deny, just like I couldn't. James would certainly try to downplay even the outrageous.
I would not.
I delved back into magick.
Now that my boys were a little older & could play happily together for short lengths of time, I would do a quick spell & I opened the Holy Books of Thelema again. I had slammed that motherfucker shut back in Santa Cruz when I was younger, about 8.5 years prior. The last words of the first book Liber LXI Vel Causæ were enough for me to know I wasn’t ready for that yet.
Here, therefore, we pause, that you may thoroughly search yourself, and consider if you are yet fitted to take an irrevocable step.
For the reading of that which follows is Recorded.
My world had gotten pretty strange as of late & this book & those words began to call to me.
With the happenings around me, it was clear that "normal" was out the window. I dropped the mask & carried on the way I saw fit. I accepted that some unexplainable things cross into our world for a purpose. It was pretty clear to me what that purpose was.
It was Him.
Between the computer & the reading I was devouring (Crowley, Egyptian Book of the Dead, Ancient Egyptian spellbooks translated from Coptic, various Wiccan books & almanacs) James no longer recognized the person standing before him.
This was not the passive, young administartive assistant he had married. This was the woman I hid from most of my significant others.
I didn’t care. The universe was clear. He wasn’t my fate.
I went about my business not giving a flying fuck what he thought of me. I would be working spells in the yard at midnite while listening to my iPod, then hunker down to run around the internet.
James thought I was crazyyyyy.
It didn't help matters that when I had gotten back from Huntington the first time, I couldn't get out of bed. I had to go to a psychiatrist for antidepressants & Xanax for my panic attacks.
It hadn’t worked out for He & I that time.
I had been left with “My door is always open”, for the first time.
It had gone off track.
Obviously not unfixable, but it was not our time.
I didn’t do well. I couldn’t fathom what had happened.
When it all shook out, James agreed to let me live under the same roof in our old home we had shared before I had moved out.
James felt above me.
I had been wrong.
There was no magick.
I was crazy.
Normal reality had prevailed.
It was about this time that I realized while following signs, my arrogance may have gotten in the way.
The tables had turned, again.
Not because the universe was lying, but because somewhere along the way my ego had trampled on people’s feelings.
I once again went to work scouring my intentions in every action.
I had gone off the path.
I needed to do some straightening out of the situation I had muddled.
I did this, more privately.
No need to be flashy in your practice of magick.
No need to let your ego take the front seat.
Go about your work humbly.
And I cannot stress this enough:
Always watch your intentions.