I declare myself a sovereign individual and a disciple of the lord so I also have the authority to create my own absurd mandates
I'm going to start creating some absurd unconstitutional mandates as I am a delegate of the King of the universe. Trust me I know what is best for everyone's safety. I am a doctor of science, the most esteemed doctor of them all broadcast on all of the major TV networks. I am the doctor that all of the scientists look up to and I am the scientist that all of the doctors worship.
1. If your name begins with the letter T and you were born on a Tuesday you must wear an ice cream cone on your nose and pretend your an ostrich while entering the supermarket between 6am-10am Monday through Friday. On the off hours/days you are permitted to wear a clown nose in place of the ice cream cone. However instead of speaking to people you must honk the nose using Morse code as a form of communication.
2. If you ever owned a pet frog and you plan on buying a new car during the summer time you must put suction cups on your hands and feet and stick yourself to the windshield of the car of choice while croaking at the salesman.
3. You must wear sweatpants as shirt and a sweatshirt as pants on Sundays if you ever watched more than one episode of The Cosby Show.
4. If you plan on singing in church you must stuff a potato in your mouth while riding a running weed wacker like a witch. If the church people decide to burn you at the stake for being a heretic that is your own fault for singing with your mouth full.
5. Pick up all of the corrupt politicians like Darth Vader did with the Emperor in Return of the Jedi and throw them down the nearest nether region with lightning shooting out of their fingertips while they shout out in terror.