This journal entry is a random mesh of thoughts.
In some ways, I feel I have been unfair in these entries, as I continue to write in varying stages of grief.
To be clear that while some of it was devastating & horrible, the moments on the flip side of that coin are the reasons I loved him so hard, for so long.
I had (in the beginning of this writing) unintentionally omitted any time He & I actually spent together in each other’s physical presence.
My brain skillfully putting into practice lessons I had hammered into it via rye & the Poltergeist girl.
When I realized I had done so, I consciously moved forward that way.
While it is not part of my plan any longer to continue the practice of building voids in my mind that are not to be ventured into, I left the writing this way for the most part.
It is shockingly obvious my Lockdown had busted. The void was screamiing to be heard. My psyche couldn't hold it any longer.
However, the time I spent with this man is the single largest piece of me that makes me who I am today, aside from the love of my children. It is at the core of who I am & is precious.
My own piece of the esoteric.
It is not screaming it's way out of Pandora's box. It is nestled close to my heart & something I would like to keep right there. It is not for broadcast.
The moments I spent with him were full of magick & changed how I understand & walk through this world. The only thing I can compare it to is the first time you take acid or mushrooms.
It was a lifting of the veil.
It altered reality. It changed the eyes through which I see this world.
It was the Space Between.
The strangest feeling comes over me when I have spoken of these moments to the 2 people who I trust deeply with the knowledge of him, my sister & Kat.
I lower my voice, as if telling a secret. Like the words passing my lips may create a wrinkle in time, open a parallel universe.
It was an energy vortex slipstream.
My own personal version of the Matrix.
It was alive with the divine.
Every moment of it.
I would be betraying that to let these moments lay in black & white.
Since 7-31-21 I have been sitting with the feeling that a gift from the Otherside has been tossed away.
An opportunity to mingle with the divine, left to be discovered by new, unwitting lovers.
The cold hard facts of the reality it created, are ugly.
But the moments we spent in private were spent at the joining of this side & the next. We had found the spot where the two collided.
Our time together was more synchronistic than you could possibly imagine.
T h e i r d o o r w a s o p e n ,
& we lingered at the portal, magick one minute, spite the next & then threw out the invitation.
I am crushed. There is no other way to put it. The old me would never admit that. The old me would be “glad he is gone because I deserve better!”
But the truth, the real TRUTH, is that he was the one.
He was it.
I still won’t bother to look up.
It is not my nature to lie to anyone & I refuse to lie to myself anymore.
I will not live a lie.
I know that I found it.
Of all the lifetimes I had searched to find it & stand in my truth, I did that this time.
I wholeheartedly believe that was my lesson this time around.
To let the walls come down & know what was right in front of my face.
I actually had a thought when I was drifting to sleep the other nite that really got me.
This feeling that came over me the first time I saw him… a knowing that this was the One. The feeling that you came here to find this soul .
This soul that would teach you how to lay down your arms.
All the heavy artillery you each had acquired throughout life, all of those defense mechanisms & bad habits…
And when we learned that, when we got to that point, we were made for each other.
When we learned that, we would be the perfect fit.
The lesson was hard.
It may have come too late.
But I won’t forget it.
The way I feel about this person would take me lifetimes to tell. It would never be articulated properly.
Certainly not by me.
Poe, Khafka, Hemingway, Bronte, Shakespeare, Bukowski, Crowley.
The closest would be E.E. Cummings & Pablo Neruda.
But in all honesty, there are not words that could adequately describe it in any language known here on Earth anyhow.
I Carry Your Heart (I carry it in my heart)
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud)
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.