On two traitors....

In the wake of this, I, being in the crappy state I was at the time last year, started to apologise to the two RP authors over at the Stevinel server (because lolispinel told me not to contact them on DMs unless solicited!), but then the one RP author I mentioned started attacking me in the server, her and another server member (name of Celtic-Rose); my sincere attempts at apologies were called "temper tantrums" of an "overgrown child" (or something or other). The RP author then accused me of stalking and harassing her on every RP she was doing, which was plain untrue! (I float to the RP sections sometimes in servers, just to see who's having the interesting RP; hers in particular were the more interesting ones, and the ones I ended up returning to when other RPs went silent or were finished.) As a result, she then started sniping at me for every little thing I did, like for instance, when I was helping out another server member on getting her food ready, and she called my attempts at helping her "Condescending much?", which started to really rile myself and that other server member.

Now in comes another part in this twisted tale. Cut to Super Bowl day: Steven (also goes by the Discord handle Sponge) I finally manage to contact and give him my side of the story. He seemed understanding; and then he also said that he would try and have a word with Spi about letting me in, as by that time I was feeling a little bit more better. As this was going on, I was trying to drop a hint about my likes, particularly that I preferred, me being a cyclist, things like the Tour de France. She again sniped at me; I had no choice but to confront her for that, and while I came at her not wanting to fight (me being the Buddhist I am!), she instead attacked me, and when she found out I talked to my family members (my mom and grandma) about what was happening to me in that time, she went ballistic. Needless to say, the convo went nowhere except an argument, so I blocked her. However, she went and snitched on me to the admins in the Stevinel server, and I got thrown out while trying to explain what happened. In the wake of this, the server member I managed to convince about my innocence in all this started her own server in response to me being thrown out.

In the meanwhile I kept Steven updated with how I was doing, though I didn't do it every fucking day, just every once in a while so as not to make him think I was a stalker/harasser, as I was painted out to be. Now, cut to November last year, when I found out, just by chance, that lolispinel unblocked me. However, I wouldn't send any message then because I, at the time, was feeling very much like shit through out the year, like the song "Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now". However, I was also starting to get tired of being evaded, or to be more specific, not being given an answer on whether I'd be able to return. So I sent Sponge/Steven a message, basically asking him "Please, tell me, am I allowed in, or not?" and telling him, as written "Please give me a chance; you can trust me". Still no response, so I just let it be.

Now, In the meanwhile, I feel very miserable, all the while I finally recover, around 6-7 months after the fact, from my panic attack and nervous breakdown which played with the slight PTSD I still have from the last relationship I had which everyone knows. (Fun thing about us Aspies: we kinda tend to develop some resiliency after something really heavy happens to us.) My SU friends, which I thank for helping me get through my dark period, all begin to note that Steven's probably stringing me around, which I didn't wanna consider (I wasn't in denial, or anything -- I just wanted [still want] to believe the good that is in people!). But as the months passed by and my desire to return to Spi and Steven's server grew, I slowly began to feel as if I were unwanted, and I began to quote the song "Heaven Knows...", especially the lyric "In my life, why do I give valuable time/To people who don't care if I live or I die?", which is exactly as I now feel. I began to realise that those two weren't probably gonna give me the time of day.

Which leads us to the evening of Saturday, January 23, before I went to St. Augustine to see the Night of Lights (since Disney took down the Osborne Family lights, I had been searching for an alternative). After I finally stop wasting time (I also had a move, which needless to say, left me further into misery), I finally send lolispinel a note, finally stating my case, and apologising for putting them and the server through my panic attack; and repeating the same final words I told Steven. Some hours later, when it was nighttime in St. Augie, I realise (through a technique which lets me see if a person blocked me or no: I give reacts to comments) that Spi probably blocked me, and when I return home, that was indeed the case. Needless to say, I was hurt and angry (still AM!), and so I wrote a letter to Steven, which I wanted to send, and tried, only to find out that the slippery bastard that Steven is blocked me as well. And that's when I realised that neither of the two were people of their word! So I'm like, OK, fuck it, that's how you two feel, this is how I feel: Spi and Steven can lick my ass, right? They reneged on their promises to me, and so, lost my trust in those two. After what they did, I have no desire at all to return to their server. Suffice it to say, I found out by their actions (and by the actions of the RP writer who picked a fight with me) that I now know how toxic the SU fandom can be, and how hypocritical it can get sometimes: it says that people can get through mental health problems through sympathy and understanding, but I didn't see that; all I saw were attempts in both servers to make me out like a loose cannon and thus have their excuse to get rid of the quiet guy who stands in the corner. If it weren't for the person who immediately sympathised with me (and other friends, one of which left the server earlier; without counting my family), I would've been a bigger mess than I am now.

And that's how I feel.

FRANCO FERRER-SAN MIGUEL