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Back in 2015 I was 2 years into a very toxic, emotionally abusive relationship. I started to create superstitions in my head telling me if I do this, we won't break up, if I do that, everything will be okay. He would break up with me about 3 times a week. I became numb, forgot how to laugh, lost my identity, had to text him every minute or else I risked getting yelled at. I started to jingle the toilet knob 3 times because that meant I was "safe". It was a superstition I created, how stupid right? But it wasn't just a superstition, that's OCD. This was the beginning of a whole lot of BS to come.
After leaving that relationship I got into another one. This guy was the most beautiful, sweet guy I had ever met. I really tried to not look at him like that, but I couldn't help it. I saw so much potential and life in him. He was everything I wanted and was missing in my life. He was perfect, from head to toe. There wasn't anything about him that I disliked, not one thing. To me, he was beautiful.
I had fallen in love, truly, for the first time in my life. The OCD was going away, I was doing what I wanted, laughing my laugh (lml) and I was so happy. He made me want to get married and start a family, one thing I didn't ever want to do.
How am I supposed to trust again when the person I loved unconditionally decided one day they didn't want to be with me anymore. That I was too much for them. My OCD became too stressful.
Although I am grateful for the lessons these experiences have taught me, and I'm grateful to have most of my identity back (I think), I can't help but wonder... what would it have been like had I not had such a traumatic relationship experience. Or maybe the question is, what would I have done in that situation had I not had such a traumatic childhood experience. What if I was shown healthy relationships and attachments instead of anxious or avoidant ones. Would I have left him? Could all of this have been avoided? Would I have even appreciated C and his kindness, I think so. I'd like to believe so.
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