Things change

Potential trigger warning! If you struggle with addiction or self harm read with caution ⚠️ 6 years ago I lost a relationship that I was sure was going to be my forever person. It rocked me to my core, and after years of no drug use I started doing cocaine and not taking care of myself. I was so distraught I stopped taking care of myself hoping I would die. I fell back into self harm, I tried on several occasions to end my life,  because the thought of not having this person any longer was too painful for me to bare. I had a couple random relationships, partying and stripping for money to pay for my cocaine habit. Eventually I sought a change. I became a live in nanny for a relative and switched to opiate pain killers, which was aided in turning my feelings off completely. I didn't want to feel. It was just too much for me. Slowly, not feeling was the only way I wished to exist. But then my Son's dad took him from his aunts house so I couldn't see him for his birthday, that was the beginning of another derailing of my emotions. My birthday is only a few days after my sons and it sucked, the day after my birthday I got kicked out of my relatives house. It was just a few days away from Christmas. I ran off to Portland and stayed with a friend; told no one where I was.Started binge drinking. I spent Christmas eve and Christmas day completely fucking shit housed. I tried heroin and HATED it.I came back to the town I'd been living just before new years and decided to hook up with whoever, as long as they bought me more drinks. I met a guy, who had been out of prison only a couple years. We drank together and ran around. I was dating a girl he'd known since they were young,  I was living in a polyamourous relationship. She was also seeing another person, and I spoke to her before ever sleeping with the guy she'd known. It only seemed right.But we were all drinking heavily, and I've found out the hard way that that is never good. She decided her other partner was who she wanted to be with, so she kicked me out. I had nowhere to go... except for the place of the guy I was seeing. He welcomed me, of course. I quickly learned that drinking and relationships don't work.  We would get into the stupidest arguments. He'd scream at my to leave, but then seem fearful that I would leave him... drunk me felt like she had something to prove. He showed me over and over that we did not think alike, nor have the same habits. I tried to change myself. Stopped dying my hair because he said it was a waste of money, covered up more because he said it was inappropriate to be looked at by other men. I erased people from my life that I had been friends with for years. All I wanted at that time was to have closeness, like I had had before. It never happened. Not even once I got pregnant, which was a shock for me, because I was nearly certain I was sterile. I had a bunch of reproductive health issues, so many that I didn't think anything in there worked like it should...But I got pregnant, I was terrified, as well as excited. My partner did drugs and drank through my entire pregnancy. He would yell at me and make me cry, he rarely was intimate with me. I struggled my way through a difficult pregnancy, and a difficult partnership,  bouncing from place to place until I had my baby. I stated 6 months on a temporary lease with some friends, and my partners PO told him he couldn't be around me. When he left shit with my roommates became toxic, and I eventually finished my lease and ended up in our local mission. It was miserable, chaotic, and I couldn't deal.My partner had gotten into a place, but I wasn't supposed to be there. Eventually it was the only choice I had. My family wouldn't help me, I was on waiting lists already, none of my friends had rooms. I felt stuck. I eventually had a meltdown and left the mission to stay with my partner. He got off of parole, but we still had to sneak around because his landlord said that I couldn't be there. Our daughter grew, and so did our fights. Never physical, but so insane that I always felt blown away. It got to the point that I was doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, making appointments, taking care of our daughter. I had no freedom, ever. Then covid happened. I'm going to be honest here, we barely left the house for a long time. But once we did, for the benefit of exercise, it was the best we had gotten along since the beginning of our relationship. There were practically no people, and that made me less on edge. Eventually the novelty of that faded and it was back to fighting. Being told how to do dishes, how to cook, how to cut my hair, how to EXIST. Being told every day how I am so mean. So angry. It has only been in the last 10 months that i started to realize that my partner is right, and why.I changed everything about myself, to please my partner. It never amounted to anything. Because I would be doing so well handling important things, and then I'd shut down and drop the ball. Because I couldn't deal, I was never taught to. The more I changed myself, the further away from my real personality I became the angrier I got.I believe I cannot cohabitate with others. I struggle with consistency because of mental health, and brain damage from drugs and accidents... I cannot live being ordered around. Some days I can handle everything. Other days only getting through the day. People think they will be understanding, until they experience my issues first hand. That Is when friction happens. My partner and I...we are just too different. We have different views and life styles. I like to live freely, and be able to do things without plans. Spontaneity. He has to have everything structured and controlled. Everything has to be exactly so, or he isn't satisfied. In the last 10 months I've gained an unhealthy amount of weight. I am just shy of hitting 200. My health is not good, my relationship is not good, my living situation isn't good, and my mental health was ALREADY  a crisis before any of this. What I know for sure is that things change drastically. I need to live alone, I need to separate from my partner, I need to find my peace as well as myself. I am not who I was, but with my daughters dad I will never get to the woman I'm supposed to be, either.For the first time in my ENTIRE life... I want to find my own peace, for myself.I finally believe I deserve to. I know this was a long ass bulletin, but I felt the need to talk about it, maybe someone else will read this and know exactly how I'm feeling. I can't vent this on my Facebook, because he knows all of the same people I do... it would result in a huge fight. I just want my freedom, my peace, my happiness. If you actually read this whole thing I commend you. It nearly turned into an autobiography