To Be Fair, I Was Really Undermedicated (Poem)

To Be Fair, I was Really Undermedicated

it seems like all I have are excuses, 
when it comes to the way I acted 
because the way I acted was pretty terrible

it’s hard to ask for compassion from other people
when you don’t even think that you deserve it
I feel bad for him, in particular 
when all he did was love me 
all I did was masticate his heart
leave him thinking there was hope for us yet

it’s not like there was malice in my words, 
or even forethought, of any kind 
but the end result is that
I have hurt people through my illness 
I can only use the 
“I didn’t know what I was doing” card
so many times 
before it stops being emotional currency

to a certain extent you didn’t know 
what you were doing
or you weren’t in control
when your next doctor quadruples your medication
that might be a sign 
something had been wrong

there’s something so immediate in bipolar, 
it grabs you and shakes you 
insists you do what it says 
even when you know it’s a bad idea
you do it anyway because 
maintaining control is like herding cats 
after a while you just let those little bastards go 
wherever they want to


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