How My Life Went

So.. I am experiencing anticipatory grief and hyper-vigilance for a while now, I am at the point of my life where I question existence itself of what is the reason that I am living? or what is the purpose of my existence?

Background:

My college days, I used to be a Church musician, a band leader even - so I am used to doing Praise and Worship stuff, then pandemic came, and so the Church activities were suspended and now I am at home, with my Father and Brother, we just jam sometimes if we got time. We live on my Grandparents home that time, on my Father's side, without my Mother.

To give you a background, my Father, my Brother and I has the closest ties, ever. Since we were still kids, we are so dependent to him because he is very very supportive, and he understands the excitement we feel on some things. There are times where the electricity ran out in the middle of the night, and it is so hot in our house that we decided to walk over to the closest 7/11 store since they got backup generators there that lasts long, so we just buy large drinks in there and we just talked and talked for hours until the electricity comes back and then we walk home. My Father and Mother are not in good terms though, typical failed relationship stuff, so anyways.

After a year, my Dad started talking to his old female classmate, and they started dating. It was very weird for me to see him that "youthful" vibe, where they take snaps and post it on social media, I just kind of cringed to it, but my father is a very supportive father when it comes to us - the only problem is that, he gave more time to the woman than us, my brother is still at his early senior high school days, so he can't cope well with this, since he hasn't even dated someone before. My brother showed signs that he doesn't like the woman, at all.

Then the time came, my Dad invited me and my brother to the car, with his lover and asked us:

We are planning to live together, with her children. I wanted to invite you guys to live with us there too.

And then my brother furiously replied:

This is wrong! You are not supposed to date someone because you already have us.

And then my Father replied:

Yes.. but, there are things that I also needed for myself too.

Then my brother started talking about my Father's advises to us when it comes to relationship, and committing acts of adultery - because my brother pointed out that:

If you want your needs to met by a woman, it is Mom's duty to fulfill that, not another woman. You should've fixed your relationship with Mom first instead of just running away and finding another woman to replace her.

And then my Father's lover replied:

I know that you are angry, but can you please lower your voice. You still need to respect your Father.

And without skipping a beat, my brother replied to her:

Shut up. This is inside my family problem not yours, you don't have any rights to say or to command me because you are not my Mother.

And then my Father defended the woman:

Please don't speak like that to her, she still needs to be respected because she is the same age as me.

My brother replies:

So what? I don't care! You brought us here inside her car to let us know about this 'ideal' plan you guys have? 

Dad, you are better than this! You heard sermons in Church, please wake up.

And then silence broke out.

So I patted my brother on his thigh, and then I looked at them both:

Sorry that my brother is being straightforward on what he says.

I looked at my Father and said:

If you want to chase your happiness, I won't be mad, I won't be angry, I won't stop you. I will take over your role in this family as the foundation - I will take care of my Mother. So if this is what you really want, I just pray that you will live happily and satisfied, even if the burden you may carry is leaving us behind.

I looked at her lover and said:

Please take care of my Father. I only have one in this world. We spent so much time being together, and he is an amazing man.

The woman cried.

Then me and my brother walked out of the car, he is dead silent, and I felt a big drop inside my body, like my heart fell inside.

After the next days, they decided to leave the house - so me and my brother went back to my Mother's house.

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When The Anxiousness and Loneliness Kicked In

My mother welcomed us with open arms, and told us to just forget about him and live our lives happily. My mother was a very strict type of parent before, that's why we left the home. When we came back, she is not the same anymore, she still is strict but is already limited since we are old already.

Weeks passed, there is this big vacuum hole feeling inside of me that sucks up the emotion that I have. Whenever there are things that are exciting, horrifying or just something that gives you a sudden emotion, I just have a straight blunt face, it felt weird, because I know I felt it.. briefly.

Then one night, a single thought that haunted me. I heard my mother, being choked while she sleeps, and gasping for air. Then.. I woke up. So I headed to her room, crawled silently and touched her stomach, she woke up and asked what I was doing. She saw me with tears on my eyes, thanking her that she is still alive and well. After that, it happened again, then the next day, and the next day, a subtle thought that she is dying or not moving motivates me to stop whatever I am doing and just directly go to her or contact her if she outside.

Then one day, it evolved. She is looking at the mirror, smiling while she combs her hair, then at that exact moment, I saw her, slowly aging, like I see some of her hair strands turns into white, her skin just compresses, her wrinkles grow, and then her smiles are just the same. She looks at me and was like.

Hey. What's going on?

And then there is this tear on my eyes again, because on the last moment before she talked to me, I saw her inside a coffin, motionless. Then I told her what I saw, and she just hugged me and said that she is still there. That one moment, happened, again and again, and I saw it to my brother too, and my brother understands why I am like that, and I got dreams of when we were still a child and I accidentally or intentionally did this to him and that because we were still kids and we are so bad at managing our angers, I just go straight to him, and say sorry to him for being a bad older brother, and I am ready to die just to atone those sins that I have done. He said that he understands because we are still children back then, but I can't forgive myself, even if I tried, I can't. 

So I just try to make things up for him, whenever he wants to eat something, I won't hesitate to buy it. Now that I am working, I just make things up for him whenever there are chances that I can do.

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This happens to me until now, the hallucinations and the anxiousnessness. My Dad emails me still, but I rarely reply, because we are just people he left behind and a part of his past - he might have a new child now that I do not know, but I do not want to be a part of it since it is his new circle.

Thank you for reading this long post of mine.