To the kids who tried to kiss the sun

To the kids who tried to kiss the sun

I used to wonder ,when I was a child "what would I be in the future?", "would i be free?" .I used to dream and dream. What was I dreaming about ? Ii don't know.what was i feeling? I don't know.

I know nothing ,I feel filthy , there's vomit on me at this moment, except it's just me .wait for a few hours and I will feel that I'm divine again .

 How heavenly would it be ,to lose myself in death,to drown in the ocean and let it take me anywhere,let my body be consumed by the creatures in it ,to have parts of myself scattered accross the world ,some beneath the grass,some in the guts of certain creatures,some in the ocean, some in the clouds.

One day ,a person told me that perhaps we don't go to heaven nor hell, we just dissolve into nothing just like how we were before we were born . It scared me then -to be nothing,to have no thoughts ,how terrifying it is. slowly i started finding comfort in the idea of nothing .I started finding beauty,love,pain,grief in that nothing .

But before I become nothing ,I want to kiss the sun.