I finally got to somewhat reset my slow ass laptop

I was supposed to be on here journaling and bla bla bla but its been so much stuff that has happened in so little time mostly things to do with OCD and my bf being SA'ed by his mom
(well he was already being sexually abused but this time it was full on rape) and so many other thing that are eating away at me but those are really the main things. I'm so tired of living and everyday it gets worse. I will never be happy

I wish I could do drugs but my boyfriend said he wouldn't trust me if i smoked he said alcohol was ok though

too bad i have non 

I wish I had mostly good things to say but i do have some good stuff like my grades going back up

The only thing I can think of in this bad situation is exploiting my pain and making shit with it

   I wish I could get raped too so he wouldn't be alone... I know this thinking is bad and it is probably a trauma response but I can't help but wish it... I hate her, she's always been hurting him. He's so deeply tramitized its so obvious with the way he acts