Blame

I like to read and write. It helps make me feel better about myself for not doing anything important. I hate being bipolar. It's annoying that sometimes I find being upset to be cringe sometimes. it's the worst feeling when you're crying and feel like a bitch because you're crying like one.

I hate being a man, there's so many expectations for what I am suppose to be... I've always felt like the odd one out. I don't know... There's so many times I've just felt out of place and I didn't belong.

But all these feelings are new. ever since I turned 18. Life has just felt like a blur to me... I remember when I was younger, I joked around about killing myself at 18 since I hated the idea of growing up to be anything like my parents...

and I thought responsibilities were going to be the worst thing. But now I feel lost.

I'm very secluded. I have no motives, I have no friends that I feel 'myself' around.

I've thought about killing myself. I 'tried' one time, but I won't. I've had friends talk about killing themselves before, and I didn't like the way it made me feel. To hear someone you care about say those things is gut-wrenching.

I might not feel loved or cared about, and just generally an insecure self-loathing prick.
But I don't want to make anyone feel bad.

The worst feeling is the 'what if' question after something detrimental happens. I don't want anyone blaming themselves for not reaching out. I hate not reaching out myself...

October 29th 2024, I wanted to kill myself. At the time I basically ruined everything between me and my friends. I slept with my ex-friend's girlfriend. So reasonably so I had it coming. Things kind of fell apart so I thought about it. I remember it being dark that night, I snuck out to go to a bridge me and my friends 'idolized'. The walk there was something.. I just remember my eyes being to glossy to see clearly.. I just couldn't stop crying.
when I got there I was scared... cars were still driving by, and I remember knowing I couldn't stay long, or police might arrive to do a wellness check on me.. but I still stalled. I figured I could wait until midnight. 

I remember waiting, and just thinking... thinking a lot.
I felt bad, I felt like a terrible person.. I just wanted to apologize. I felt bad for not being particularly close with my friends, and I regretted how bad of a friend I was.. I use to blame others for my mistakes but that was the first time it was undeniably my fault. or at least I still think. I blame myself for a lot of things.
I just remember messaging my friend randomly at 11, basically the middle of the night, I just wanted to clear things up and didn't expect him to respond. I didn't know if I wanted him too, but he did... Then I felt stuck there again. I couldn't. Not to him.

So we kinda just talked. I didn't want to make him worry so I tried making it seem like I was going to be gone for awhile. But he just kept talking.. I don't know why, but I think he knew something was off. I wasn't slick whatsoever. I was sad and scared.. so I told him that..

And we just kept talking, and talking. And when midnight finally arrived. I walked home...