Being Aromantic

This is a topic very near and dear to my heart and I want to do it the justice it deserves so quickly:

- My experience is mine, people may relate my view and that's fine! But not every aromantic person will feel the way I do, you are still valid and you may share your thoughts if you want.

- This is going to talk mostly about the way I realized I was aromantic and how I feel about being aromantic

- Not so much a warning as it is me just saying this, if you think you are aromantic or want to look into it and use this as a way to help you figure it out that's fine! It can be hard when you aren't strictly aromantic and are aro-spec instead

- I'm putting this in the romance and relationships catagory because I think that's the best fit for this topic, hopefully

- Either way please keep an open mind about this and feel free to ask me questions! specific to my experience or to aromanticism as a general topic. Don't feel afraid even if you think the question might be offensive, I'll happily reply to any good faith comments/questions.

So I officially put a label on my sexual orientation for the first time in middle school. My memory is a little fuzzy but it was 6th/7th grade. Before that point I had never actually been introduced to queer people, grew up religious, although I had two lesbian characters I made because I thought girl/girl was more original than girl/boy. I was into fandom spaces around then and had even participated in shipping culture of the time, but I had never really thought about dating until I was in middle school.

That was when I really started to experiment with my identity. I started going by a different name since I didn't like my, now, deadname and eventually came out as trans (but that's not what this blog is about). I very clearly remember the first time I was exposed to explicitly sexual material, at least what I consider explicitly sexual, I was exposed to the internet at a young age so take that into mind. I had actually been with a then friend, who was also twelve, and I remember laughing. "How could anyone like something so weird?" I think that's when I started to question it all.

So I came out as asexual! I even told my mother, who said that perhaps there would be a time when I would feel different. That I was too young to understand what I was feeling. That made me question it all over again. So I came out as demisexual! It was then that I had sort of realized I didn't have a label for my romantic orientation, but technically demisexual could cover that. But it only applied if I felt romantic attraction after developing a connection to someone. So that made sense, I didn't think I had ever experienced a crush but then again I wasn't ever super connected with anyone. I hoped maybe that would change.

It obviously never did, never came to me like being hit on the head like I wished. However, I did date, kinda, sorta, not really, someone. They were, are, a close friend and had confessed to me. I assumed that I would eventually reciprocate and agreed. I tried my hardest to be sweet for those two weeks were together, yet apart due to covid. That friend then said that we should break up, because they realized what they were feeling wasn't romantic. This was honestly good for both of us. For me it meant I didn't break their heart and that I was off the hook to figure myself out. again.

I don't remember the exact time, date, or year, but I can piece it together with what little I do know. I likely put a label on my romantic orientation before 9th grade started. So 8th grade. I remember trying to force myself into liking a boy in my grade. We weren't really friends. We sat together in math. I remember that I thought the way I avoided him meant that I liked him. I remember thinking of writing him an apology letter a few years later, in case I had done anything weird or strange or generally upsetting. I was a mentally ill child, that was never out of the question.

Then, I briefly went through a period of coping. I was heavily depressed at the time, and I likely suffer from chronic depression (probably or another evil), but that was what I blamed it on. "Of course I haven't fallen in love, I don't even love myself!" I let myself believe this for a little while, hoping someone would come along and make me feel what so many people felt before me.

I don't hate being aromantic, I really don't. I do feel empty, maybe this is just how I was made to feel, but I don't hate it. "Is it so wrong that I want to taste the beautiful things that come so easily to other people. And yet I feel so greedy." I wrote this a little bit ago in a bulletin and it does reflect how I feel. Greedy. I want something I can't have and it hurts. 

If you have read this far and want to know how it feels, this is what I have:

Think of a color. Your favorite color, least favorite, doesn't really matter. Look at it. You see it. Once, someone gave that color a name, all colors have names. You could bring that color to someone and ask what they would call it and they would say its name. You see the world in color and it's beautiful, its wonderful. Now try describing that color, warm? Cold? Bright? Dark? You could probably have a list of attributes for that color easily. But would that list help a colorblind person see the color? No. Because they fundamentally lack the ability to see and process colors. That doesn't mean they can't see all colors, maybe purple is blue or oranges and browns look the same. But you can't ever make them understand what they can't see. You might feel bad for them, that they live this life, but it's not anything important until someone made it that way.

I feel like that describes my way of thinking, surrounding aromanticism. I can't feel romantic love, I know that. No matter how hard I try or want or yearn or cry, nothing will change. But I can still lean into the soft embrace of a hug, hold a person's face in my cold hands, or sleep next to them at night. I feel the warmth of those things even when they are colored differently. Aromantic people can still be in relationships, they aren't heartless and plenty of aromantic people are in relationships. And in that same breath, plenty of aromantic people aren't and never will be. That's okay, to not want these things. You can feel what you'd like, how you'd like, I won't judge.

Another way you could understand this is in simple math: 8*2 gets you the same answer as 4^4. You still end up with the same result, intimacy, but the equation itself is different. This to me is a little weaker but it still works. I want to do all those soft things because I care and know it would feel good, which is different from how romantic love is the answer for most people.

So? Really, what's the big fuss? I think most people that aren't aromantic would choose not to be in a relationship with an aromantic person. That's not wrong, but that still inherently means that romantic love is being placed above all else. And this is where I feel guilt from. I want a relationship, I think, I'm scared, but I know that what I have to give is less than, which makes me afraid to try giving in the first place. 

Did you know there is an identity for this type of yearning? 

"Cupioromantic, often shortened to cupio, is an umbrella term that describes an individual who may desire a romantic relationship, but may experience little to no romantic attraction." *1

"Cupioromantic derived from "cupio" which meant "longing" or "I desire" in Latin." *1

Isn't that incredible? A whole identity dedicated to yearning, to longing, to desire. Not every aromantic person feels this way, that's why there is a specific word for the people that do. I don't actively identify as cupioromantic, there was a little blip when I did, but not because I don't resonate with the label. Truth be told I do. It's mostly because I enjoy the safety and broadness I feel just being aromantic.

So what about now. I'm grown, or at least I'm an adult, so what now? I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I knew what was okay for me to do, to want. But no one is going to tell me, no one is going to come along and whisper that it's all okay, that they'll take what I can give and nothing more. I have to want to put the effort into finding someone. But I really am scared. The last thing I want is to hurt someone. I think about that. About how the way I feel could hurt someone when I can't ever change. Maybe that's comforting? I couldn't tell you.

What I can tell you is that I'm still figuring this all out. And that's okay. I, and you, don't have to have all the answers to this. It's okay, I'm saying it's okay.

Maybe someday I'll find someone that I like in the way I can like, and they'll like me in the way they can like. But even if that day doesn't come I think everything will be okay too. 

You made it to the end! I must thank you for reading, maybe you found this interesting? Or maybe you can relate, or hell maybe you can't! I don't care what reaction you have, this was made for me, and anyone like me! Maybe I'll update this blog, if I think of anything new. Its late, or early? Not sure. But yes. It's complicated, this whole thing is messy but I think that's beautiful? Human's are messy and I am human. 

Goodnight,

Grey