my personal experience as a former member of the true crime community

i figured i should write about this because this (communities engaging with "dark/edgy" topics) is kind of a big issue on the internet and always has been and you know. i have a bit of personal experience in the field. and i wanted to share what led me to this environment, how i got out of it, the morals of the whole obsession, and how its almost somewhat of an addiction to be involved in these kind of communities

and, for those that arent already aware: the true crime community (usually referred to as the tcc) is an online community on various social media platforms where all of the members are not just interested in true crime- but really the killers themselves, becoming obsessed with and even defending a lot of murderers actions. a lot of the community nowadays ive noticed is obsessed with mainly teenage killers, and a lot of school shooters. columbine was a big thing in this community and a lot of the time the community is also referred to as "columbiners".

so, ive always been big into true crime. i dont think theres a problem with enjoying reading or watching documentaries or listening to podcasts about it. i think its natural for humans to have somewhat of a morbid curiosity when it comes to these things. growing up, my parents were also big true crime junkies, and i would watch dateline with them every night. eventually, as i got older, i became even more obsessed with it, i would watch a lot of interrogation and bodycam footage for fun.

in 8th grade, i was bullied a lot (and i promise this is related just stick with me). i mean, all throughout middle school i would say i got picked on, but 8th grade was when it got serious. i was going through a lot at the time, i was losing a lot of friends and i became very depressed and angry. i was picked on for a lot of reasons, i dressed weird, i looked weird, my haircut was weird, and i think the biggest one was i acted weird. i became very quiet by 8th grade and that made me a very easy target. i think what really started a lot of the bullying was this "incident" in my math class. this girl sitting in front of me told a guy to burp on me and i threw a calculator right at her face. kind of a ridiculous scenario, but it really did happen. ever since then, everyone thought i had some kind of mental disorder or something, and they would say that kind of stuff about me right to my face. and the fact that i was being mistreated by some of my closest friends at the time didnt help. i was moved into the back of a few of my classes for "inciting fights". i also became pretty suicidal at the time, and i had to (reluctantly) start going back to therapy.

anyways, all this anger and isolation really made me feel like shit. i think at that point i had started having a lot of revenge fantasies. i wasnt really educated on a lot of school shootings specifically, but if im being honest here, i would daydream about a scenario like that sometimes. its really fucked up looking back on it, but this was really the kind of mindset that brings you into the community.

im not exactly sure where i heard about the community, but i was aware of it for a long time before really formally "joining it". i would discreetly engage in a lot of the content, research a lot of killers, and it was just on my mind a lot. i never told anybody about this because i knew it was a fucked up thing to be into, although i wasnt too involved in it yet.

i think a big thing that draws people in is feeling like you relate to the perpetrators a bit. again, sounds fucked up to say, but i saw myself a bit in a lot of these murderers i admired so much. i was really starting to struggle with my mental health at this time, and i felt very isolated in a way from the rest of the world, and i would read about these people that felt the same way i did, and it just felt like i belonged. looking back on it, this was definitely kind of an insane way to think about this kind of stuff.

the one who really gave me the wake up call was my brother. my brother had somehow found out that i was involved in this community, and at first, neither of us wanted to talk about it. for context: me and my brother are very close, and we talk all the time. the silence was very unnatural between us. i told him i did not want to talk about it and for a while he complied. but later, he brought it up to me again.

i was dreading that conversation, because i was terrified of how this would affect our relationship. i was scared he was going to tell everybody and never talk to me again and i would be sent to a mental hospital or something. but he had a very gentle conversation with me, and i knew all of the things he was saying already, a lot of "this is unhealthy" and "this is insensitive", which i had already heard before, and usually ignored. but something about hearing it from somebody i know actually cared about me and my wellbeing made me actually hear the words he was saying to me. i decided to delete all traces of that content i had and i was done with it.

i think a big problem with telling these people that what they are doing is wrong is just that they dont care. theyre aware of it all. and usually telling somebody online that doesnt know you to just drop everything theyre so obsessed with and just follow the herd does not work on them. i dont want to say the right thing to do is ignore people like this, because its not, but a lot of the time people are so deep into it they just wont listen to anybody else. i think if somebody you know is involved in this kind of behavior, you should confront them about it, but you have to be very gentle with it. this might seem ineffective, but i feel like its the best way you could do it. i for one know i was terrified of being rejected and the realization that was not what my brother was going to do was a relief.

i dont really know what im trying to accomplish writing this, but i guess i just wanted to discuss my story and how its hard to connect with members of these communities.. i dunno... thats all i got