BREAKING NEWS: I'm upset about something. are you shocked ?

Okay so this is gonna be a bit more wallowy and dumb then my usual funny haha fuck my life style of blogging but I just want to talk about this a little bit cause I’ve got a sad in my bone. 

Sad boner if you will.

I'll still try to make this moderately entertaining for my own sanity's sake, but fair warning I'm a little sard.

(If you do want to read something funny though you should check out the entry I published yesterday about how I keep spazzing out in front of basketball people for reasons unknown to me. It’s a pretty good time.)

Anyway, something that’s been bothering me a lot recently is that genuinely nobody is interested in, or will listen to what I have to say. I’m not really talking about my posts on here, cause as a twitter user I am MORE than used to chucking my thoughts into the void, I’m more talking about my irls. 

I’ve been in university for almost four months at this point, and I know that four months seems like nothing, but everyone I’ve met has at least one really good friend, and a solid group of friends that they go out with and talk to regularly. Everyone. And I know I like to exaggerate, but I’m really not this time.

I haven’t made any friends really, and in class I’m always the only one who isn’t talking to people and joking around and having fun or whatever. 

Like, I try to be super friendly and personable, I invite people to hang out with me, I always say hi to my classmates outside of class, and ask them about their work in class, but nothing has happened.

My mom says it’s probably because they see each other more often than they see me, which yeah I guess that could be the case, I mean, proximity is one of the biggest factors in forming relationships. But I thought about it for a second, and I was like wait that’s bullshit actually, because like five girls with really solid friendships that they only started at the beginning of the semester have been skipping class, and being in completely different cities for days, even weeks at a time, but they’re still doing just fine.

I do have one online friend, and they rely on me pretty heavily for emotional support tbh and that's all gravy or whatever, but I genuinely can't recall a single time in the past few months that they've asked me a question. or even shown interest in literally any aspect of who I am or what I do. I doubt they could even tell me what school I go to, which is fine, but it's a little frustrating.

I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I can’t say I have nobody though. That would be too dramatic. I have my mom, and she cares about me a lot which is super awesome. We talk every day and she’s the only person who actually wants to know how my day was. I don’t know why I can’t be happy with just that. I have my one person who listens to me, and I feel so guilty that I’m always feeling so alone, because I DO have someone who cares about me.

Idk man, it feels like I have a huge void somewhere near my lower tit region that’s supposed to be plugged up by my interactions and relationships with other people, but there is hardly anything to plug it up with so it just keeps getting bigger and there's nothing I can do about it.

If I could call gerald cakes I WOULD. Because there is a hole that’s just about the size of a very large ass in the hoover dam. and by the hoover dam, well, heh… I mean my tits.

I always feel so hopeless and flimsy like someone scooped out my guts and just sent me on my way with a hello kitty bandaid, and now I'm just shambling around town. God forbid I encounter any animatronics y'know what I mean?

Really though, if it weren't for my mom calling me, I probably wouldn’t have any actual conversations for days on end. Every time I think of something cool and want to tell it to someone, I realize that there's nobody I can tell who will actually give two cats pantaloons, and it’s been giving me really bad chest pains ??? I hope that’s not indicative of larger issues but it’s probably alright maybe.

And like, I don’t wanna die or anything crazy, it’s actually the opposite ? like I want to live so bad that it physically hurts me, but I feel like I’m already dead.

I know that’s stupid.

I just want to scream until my throat is raw, and bash on my walls till they cave in. like really go apeshit on that drywall you feel me ? 

but I can’t. 

Because that would probably get me evicted. 

So let’s put a pin in that.

I’m just upset. I’m sad. Shocker I know.

I’m supposed to be at cheer right now but tbh I’m not feeling very cheery, and I just bombed a midterm so I’m super drained. I feel so guilty though. Like so guilty I want to vomit. 

fomo is a bitch fr

Anyway don’t mind me I’m just gonna exist for a lil bit I guess. Not much else I can do.