I feel like I'm on the path of recovery or destruction and idk which

Idk. Just lately everything has been feeling to real, or not real enough, I think my friends like me one moment then the next I swear they all fucking hate my guts. It also doesn't help when u grow up in an environment that u never feel fully safe, loved, or heard in. I know deep down my parents love me, but ik they will never love the real me ever.  I just feel like our relationship has been strained to the point of no return. I want to hurt myself but I don't at the same time. Idk, I just feel like I'm just...there. I want more scars but I don't. I want to feel validated cause I feel like I have nothing to be depressed about or feeling like this but I can't help it. I wish I could tell my mom but I don't trust her. She always blames herself and makes me say sorry. It's emotional manipulation and I hate it. I've learned to not mention anything like that anymore and I just want to feel comfortable around them. But it's hard to when they force you to go to church when u said ur not religious, or when they tell you being gay/trans is wrong when u know it's not. It's just draining.