obligatory spacehey "i dumped my boyfriend post"

It's really funny to write this knowing that the first blogpost I wrote mentioning my boyfriend (now ex?) was about how he ranked my art between my friends. He was very open about the fact that my friend was far better at me at art than I was. It made me so deeply insecure that no matter what-- even to my own boyfriend-- I would never be number one to anyone. 

That's neither here nor there on why my relationship ended. It is kind of crazy that I as the supposed aloof one between the two of us was the only one that gave legitimate attempts to save the relationship to begin with. He didn't respond to me until I gave an ultimatum saying I was going to reconsider us by a certain time. When he responds to me, he fumbles, fumbles, fumbles. I don't know what to do with the fact that this man pulled out every excuse in the book to not want to communicate with me, despite stressing communication in a relationship. 

I was a fool to even think for one second that he still gave a shit about me and wanted to fix things. He was burnt out on our relationship before the school semester even started. I humiliated myself reopening my line of communication after our fight just to be told that he wanted to "stall it out since I was on my period anyways". So many times a day, I go to bed wondering if I'm an unforgivable asshole-- if in that argument I was far too severe on him and did not give him the chance to redeem himself. So I unblocked him and gave him a chance. I was proven wrong. For someone who is friends with so many women, to be told that I could only be worth communicating with if I was off my period felt so insulting I don't feel bad for letting the last remaining bits of my rage flow through me. 

"I was waiting for you to get off your period so we can have a  more productive conversation."

"I'm too cognitively deficient to want to talk to you and every argument with you feels like a rhetorical writing assignment where I have to plan my counterarguments in advance."

GET REAL.

I hate the idea that someone got burnt out dating me. I hate that this guy decided it was a good idea to not communicate with me. To spin things to where they are MY fault. I was wrong to give this guy who I thought was a decent man a chance. 

It's my first time liking a person. I thought I was aroace my entire life until I felt upset for the first time thinking I couldn't pursue a relationship with someone. I felt so relieved that I was able to date the first guy I had ever liked romantically. I was wrong for thinking that all the reasons I had for pursuing him were valid. I created the charts of pros and cons and the beige flags. I evaluated everything between my close friends. I thought things would work out. I have to remind myself that it's okay to not perfectly predict the future. It doesn't detract from my judgment of character. He was practically a perfect boyfriend until our last month together where all of a sudden everything changed. 

I can live knowing he was probably playing video games in our final instances of the relationship. He doesn't give a shit. It shouldn't bother me as much, but it sucks so badly. Part of me wishes he cared and that he regrets how he treated me. I have to accept that likely isn't the case. It sucks. Men suck. I'm experiencing the plight of a woman at the end of her first relationship for the first time at my big age of twenty-one and I hate it. I don't understand how  he could not give a fuck that he wasted my time for nearly a year knowing it took so much out of me to be vulnerable. For the first time in my life I had to get accustomed to physical touch because I'd never been with someone romantically before and he was more physically affectionate than I was. And I still wasn't affectionate enough for him.

He told me "I feel bad and remorseful for how I treated you and how I hurt someone I was friends with for nearly two years. I want to make it up to you.", but ignored everything I said and didn't bother to respond to any of my messages.

I'm not going to be able to go on romantic winter dates anymore. For the mostpart, I'll be stuck at home in my neighborhood where it's hard to go anywhere. I don't drive. I have a license, but I don't have the means for a car. I'm not going to be able to spend Christmas with a guy I liked because it turned out  he sucks. 

I have my friends with me and life will look up. It was agonizing for a couple days and I rotted in bed and cried extensively for the first time in ages. But things will look up. I have friends who know I'm not a mean person. I have friends who will have sleepovers with me and bake things together. I have friends who will take me to theme parks and listen to me talk about my goofy emo pop-punk bands. I can write my thesis on a topic I care about and have coffee and cake at my favorite cafe. I've lived my life single for a very long time and eight months isn't that much time. 

Anyways--

I hope he doesn't get his stupid band equipment back from his evil former bandmates that he hates. I hope all his favorite Japanese artists take everything off of Spotify. I hope that his friends that annoy him start using him as an armchair therapist. I hope he's forced to do more engineering work instead of working on music in his freetime. I hope his rank stays forever piss-poor in Overwatch. I hope that he's forced to listen to hours of Imagine Dragons in his music lessons because the kids he teaches are really into Arcane or something. I hope that every woman he's friends with tells him he fumbled and that he sucks for refusing to communicate because "I was on my period". And I hope they call him a dickhead that doesn't deserve me. 

There we go!