growing up

I’ve never understood myself and probably never will. 

   Since I was a child, I’ve been wondering what I will look like when I hit 17… Now that I am, my wonders are even more intense. Like, will I ever find love? Will anxiety vanish some morning when my feet are cold? I don’t know. 

   I didn't have many friends in primary school; my dad used to tell me that I was just sitting on the ground, watching the plastic-like playground’s ground and touching it. Pictures of me in the grass with a magnifying glass twice as big as my head, my mouth always open, as if I wanted to say something but never did. Sometimes I wish that I did. On the contrary, my sister always yelled and screamed, always had friends, and always will. I’m not pitying myself, and I’m not blaming her for it. But I think this is how twins work: two opposites. One silent, one loud. One still, one running. 

   But sometimes we were one; we liked the same things in a way. The same Smarties ice cream, the same TV shows, the same songs, the same video games. Now that we are growing up, we are starting to grow apart, and the roles are now changed. I’m the loud one now, and she’s the quiet one. We are both on medication; I’m on it for anxiety and depression, and she is on it for anxiety as well. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years now; she has been for a month. What is surprising is that in a way I feel like what is happening to her is my fault. What if I spread something negative in my mom's belly? Even though I don’t think I could have, knowing all of the space she was taking…