this isn't flying, it's falling with style

nothing lasts forever. bottom line.

i was talking to someone in recovery the other day and they said, "I don't believe in the pink cloud. It's an illusion." this "pink cloud" is a common term in recovery circles, similar in definition to "honeymoon period." it's that period of time when you're happy just to be a part of something new, either recovery or a relationship, and then gravity pulls you back to Earth because life happens.

it doesn't mean you're going to be miserable, but you might be. lots of people enter this pink cloud and are then surprised when a challenge or obstacle comes their way. "I was feeling so good, why did this have to happen?" some of them inevitably get drunk or high.

i believe in the pink cloud. i don't know if i've experienced it, but i have definitely seen it in others. it's like a lucid dream where you're able to fly. you feel invincible, strong, and godlike. but then you wake up and you're planted firmly in bed, and the euphoria fades.

nothing lasts forever.

my goal is not to fly, in my dreams or otherwise. my goal is to fall so gently that i'll appear to float. i know my landing won't always be perfect, but i can at least time the parachute to prevent a total crash.

that was not the case last week. i didn't even realize i was falling, so when i pulled my parachute cord, it was too late. my emotional legs were broken and i cried. i was angry. i felt out of control. life felt unmanageable. it was a rough day but it's not a rough life. not now.

i wasn't in a pink cloud before then, and i wasn't in a pink cloud when i got sober this time around. i wasn't in a pink cloud when i began my SLAA journey and i'm not in one now. i recognize that, from my high points, the goal is to fall gently. something launches me into the air, i need to be prepared for the comedown.

so i'm not going to use drugs or alcohol. i'm not going to act out sexually. i'm not going to put myself or others at any kind of risk. i got angry, i cried, and i crashed for a second. but i'll learn how to walk again. i'll climb the next mountain. i'll stand on its peak, and when it's time to head back down, i'll aim to float, gently.

it's not flying, it's falling with style.