diary of a 19 yr old

dear diary, 

i used to write to you on paper, but lately i feel its easier for my lazy ass to write on my laptop instead. in fact the reason why i upload my diary entries aka my real life on here, is cause one day i might want to reread how my life was when i was still a teen. im scared id forget my passwort and all, so i post them online. and might expose myself here, but lowkey dont even care.

yes, ive talked about my romantic feelings about someone, even thoug now i dont feelthe same towards him anymore, im not scared that he might find it someday. in fact, i think he knows. he never knew. and even if he knows and we might come face to face about it one day, ill just tell him the truth. yeah i loved you. so much for years, i remember crying my eyes out for you, even if you never saw me that way again after yk what. 

but here you are. one of my closest friends whom i care deeply about. not romantically anymore. or maybe just way less than i did a few months ago. because i finally realized that we're better off as just friends. and to be honest, that doesnt hurt. my girlfriends must think im just saying that for them not to pity me. but really. i am okay. 

even though the fact that you will love someone else more than u ever liked me. but i will be standing there. far away from you but i will be praying for your happiness, because i want you to be happy. 

i care a lot about my friends. we're 8 girls. its me, s, g, z, i, s, n and z. 

weve been friends since fifth grade. new school, new people. 

most of us are living a new life tho. two still in school. four studying, and then there is me and my best friend. im closest to her. and i trust her the most of them all, because she would never backstab me. she is like a sister to me. always understands me and weirdly enough sometimes she thinks she knows me better than i know myself. sometimes she is right and then not. but it can be annoying. 

even if i love her deeply i cant but feel betrayedby her sometimes. i catch her lying but i just shoove it off, because now i kinda got used to it and know when she does it. mostly its over stupid stuff. 

but then again there was one big lie which changed my whole view. her "sister" isnt even her sister. and she always talks as if she were. it sounds so dumb of me rn, bc ofc she has her reasons but how bad can it be that you dont trust your bsf on these things. i tell you everything and you couldnt even tell me such things. its not about only that but about her life in general. sometimes i sit there and think to myself if i even know her. 

since ive known the truth a few months passed. and YES i wanted to confront her. but we had our final exam in math and i didnt want her to confuse her. 

but i still didnt. till this day. its already almost half a year since then.. 

anyway i lowkey dont care now anymore. okay, i do. but i think its too late telling her. im scared that itll be awkward. but then again, should i even be scared. confrontation is something i hate, because everytime i confronted someone if always turned around and somehow it was my fault. so i should just act as if i dont care anymore right. 

other topic. im reading blue spring ride again. only two left. i read those 2in1 thingies. so more chapters as one whole book yk. 

i dont really like it in the moment i just want kou and futaba to just be together. kou should fight mor. and this kikuchi or kukichi guy should piss off. ( i feel bad saying it, because he is a greenflag and really cute. im just more team kou). im happy for yuri fr. and i lowkey want mr. tanaka and shuko to end up together. but it should happen after shes done with school. bc hes a teacher and she a student. which i think is weird. 

anyway-

more about my life i dont want to write about bc it makes me sad knowing im doing nothing rn. just bedrotting. am i even alive? maybe not and thats why i keep thinking about all the negative things that happened in my life before. fuck everything fr. 

and yes i am fucking jealous of my freinds who started college. flame me for it. its not like i am not hapy for them or wish bad things on them or smth like that. im mad at myself for not being smart enough to be accepted. same goes for drivers license. i hate it. but then again its my fault. 

living rn is hell fr. and my mind is the problem. i dont know how to help it or to stop it, but i uess ill just have to live with it. and i really hope someday i can write something positive again. please god.

it just pisses me off sorry. 

and my class wants to do a reunion. like go out and eat something together. we as a class were really close to eachother. i like them. but i dont think i will go. simply because, i dont have anything to say. dont want them to think of me like im a fool or smth. theyre all doing something. like working or uni. sorry i am not. i just seem bored and tbh dont want to see their faces smiling about their new chapters, when im just so unhappy in my own skin rn. 

i might be a little envious, but who wouldnt be? im still happy for them. i just dont want to be there. i think itll be on 15.11 if i remember it correctly. anyways i wont go. 

maybe its just my period but im soooo sad all the time. and if im not sad im like numb. i want to cry but i cant. it just doesnt come out. and if it does, it doesnt stop. i dont feel like living these past months. 

its sooooo boring fr. 

and this is my last year as a teen. i feel like i am running out of time. but i tell myself im not. 

im only 19

im not running out of time. 

everyone has their own pace. and mine is just a lot more slower than anyone else. and i know im not alone. somewhere on this fucking world there is another 19 yr old just like me, who knows that their time will come. and someday we'll be happy ad successful like everyone else as well. 

i cant give up on me. i need to be someone. whatever it is. or whenever it takes place. 

damn im hungry now. its just too late to eat. but who am i tgaf?

anyway. if ur reading this future me: are you happy with your life?

i hope for you that you are. love yourself. 

byeee<3

a few of my fav songs:

- Linger - The Cranberries

- Can't catch me now - Olivia Rodrigo

- Lacy - Olivia Rodrigo

- Mr. Brightside - The Killers

- We hug now - Sydney Rose

- Beanie - Chezile

- Basically anything by the marias

- Porcelain - Faouzia

- Carribean blue - Enya

- Dreams - The Cranberries

- Sidelines - Phoebe Bridgers 

- All my poetry - CLOSE YOUR EYES 

- Dimensions - Arcade Fire, Owen Pallett

- Claw marks - Panicbaby

- Shining in the sky - Kokei (from aot) 

these r the songs i listen to these days. actually could be longer but yeah. (last one is SO good!)