You will always be a better gamer than me.

i only truly, genuinely admire one other gamer for being a gamer, not just being my friend. i can say i'm a gamer and i can say i love video games, but i pale so badly in comparison to my friend. just the sheer number of hours he has in the games he plays overwrites anything i can come up with. i love video games, but he LOVES video games.

i think so often about the conditions in which i pursue leisure that i often don't do anything at all. i think my friend just play games because he wants to. stop when he needs/wants to, goes when he needs/wants to. i usually have to have a set amount of time and responsibility, my mind has to feel "right", etc.

a lot of the times, i don't even want to play the games i currently have either because i'm scared, i'm alone, or i've already played it before. i want to be like my friend who does what he wants to without thinking about doing it in ideal conditions. wanting to do it, then doing it.

i only have my words to back me up, but he has actual dedicated numbers. simply astounding. inspiring.

this is a stretch from the main point, but this is also combatting ocd. i have to try! any pushback against surrendering to the compulsions is a positive (although, i am trying to come to terms that my life is just gonna be like this forever but reclaiming agency is good for my brain, haha).

oh, my dear friend, let me channel passion for my interests as you do for yours. let me live. let me live. let me live!

31 October 2025 (1:27 AM)

Happy Halloween!!!