Cant sleep . TW : self harm and suicidal thoughts

Its 2:56 am as i write this . I cant sleep . I miss my dad . I want him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay . I want to lay in bed with him and watch movies with him . I want to hear his voice again . I forgot how is voice sounds like . I miss his cooking . I want his bread that he made in his bread maker . I want to make homemade pizzas with him again . I want him to make dinner again . I to see him smile . Why does this happen to me . I should of died long ago . I wish i did die in one of my attempts . . I keep thinking of harming myself again . Lots of things are going wrong in my life right now . I kinda just dont wanna be here no more . Will i actually act on any of these things ? Dying ? No cus im in college . Harming myself ? Well i sure hope not . Idk anymore atp . I just want someone to hug me . Wish i had my gf to talk to about these things . Wish she could hug me . Wish she would talk to me .