Letting Go

I was checking my "spam folder" on Facebook ( I don't even know why I even bother keeping that account, as I really cannot stand the company or the CEO ) and saw I had a message from my Narcissistic Mother..

"Happy Birthday" - Mom
Friday, at 1:15AM

There wasn't a "stomach dropping" feeling or even any profound emotion. I just stared own at the message and felt ambivalent.

I haven't spoken to her in years, and she's not someone I would ever feel safe around. Considering she's a staunch republican, racist, homophobe and baker acted me.

Once was far too much for me.

"But she's your Mom!"

No, that woman is simply the reason I'm here. She forced me into existence - but I doubt she ever really loved me.

She told me that, many times though out my childhood whenever things didn't go her way. ( I understand that's due to anger and rising emotions. But you're never meant to lash out at your child. )

I can look back on a few fond memories we shared, but there isn't an nostalgia. It's just a memory.

As a pagan, I know that the forgiveness isn't meant for her. It's meant for me. So I can unburden my heart and move towards something better.

A life without grief.

I'm not angry at her anymore - nor do I really feel anything akin to emotional ties. It sounds so clinical..

But that's okay. I'm okay.

Do I wish things were better? Do I wish I had a real Mom that I could call whenever things were bad? Yes.

Life doesn't work out that way sometimes, and I made peace with that a long time ago.

Maybe I'll write up a long message to her as one final goodbye.

Or maybe I should just block her and move on.

I'll sit with it for a moment before making any decisions.