sobriety diary, day 6

ever since i came back from work i feel like i'm gonna throw up any minute, but it just won't happen. i feel like i have all the withdrawal symptoms reversed, with sleep disturbance coming first and all the physical symptoms coming later.

on saturday i bought a bottle of frisco, because i felt like im gonna loose it without weed. i was arguing with myself, reminding myself that alcohol is a depressant, but i still felt the need to get some. when got home i drank half the bottle because it actually tasted good, but then i started to feel the buzz and i flushed the rest down the drain because it felt wrong. not only like in an uncomfortable sort of way, but it also felt like cheating.

i didnt do much at work today because i had a meeting with my social worker, but i managed to get a lots of things done there. she said i look better, more determined, dynamic. it made me feel hopeful, because it was the same thing my therapist told me when she saw me talking about my quitting weed. i really wanted to believe it but i felt gaslit at the same time. but thats stupid, two things can be true at the same time and the fact that my days are a fucking rollercoaster is i guess way better than if it was just all bad.

today i saw The Hand of God by Sorentini. it was cool.