If I Could Just Scream

I hate that feeling when you cry

and you can’t breathe.

your chest hurts so bad

it actually feels like it’s breaking.

like someone’s stabbing you right in the middle

and you just sit there, taking it.

it’s not just sadness.

it’s anger.

the kind that burns behind your ribs,

that shakes your hands

I’m full of rage that has nowhere to go.

like i could scream until my throat gives out

and it still wouldn’t be enough.

it’s not sadness anymore,

it’s something heavier.

it’s anger.

it’s disappointment.

it’s feeling worthless.

it’s that feeling of being tired

of never feeling enough.

There’s this thing in me,

this demon or whatever,

and i don’t even know how it got there.

maybe it came from all the times i stayed quiet

when i should’ve screamed.

maybe it came from forgiving too much,

from trusting too easily,

from holding on when i should’ve let go.

Tears blur my vision as i write this,

But somehow it makes me feel better for a while.

like maybe if i spill it all out,

if i bleed through the words,

the ache in my chest will ease,

even just a little.

And the only thing i like about crying that hard

is when you feel sleepy after.

when your eyes sting, your body feels heavy,

it’s like God whispering,

“rest for a while, you’ve been through enough.”

and for that moment,

the world feels a little softer.

It gives me hope that maybe one day it’ll fade,

that i’ll wake up and feel lighter,

but it’s always there.

lurking. waiting.

like it knows i’ll break again

and it’ll have another reason to crawl out.

I hate how it turns every good thing bitter,

how even when i’m supposed to be happy,

there’s this weight in my chest,

pulling me back down.

like i don’t deserve to breathe freely.

like i’m stuck inside my own head

and the walls keep closing in.

I wish i could make it stop.

I wish i could just rest

without thinking,

without hurting.

i wish i could turn my brain off

and just… breathe.

Sometimes i think about what it would feel like

to actually feel light again.

to wake up and not feel this weight in my chest,

to laugh and actually mean it.

to not have to fake being okay.

and maybe one day i’ll get there.

maybe one day i’ll feel peace

and this won’t be all i know.

but right now

i just wish the noise in my head

would go quiet.

I wish I could disappear for a bit.

I wish I could stop existing for a while.

no noise.

no pain.

just quiet.

just nothing.

just rest.

Please, let me rest. 

-dmnd