Family can be exhausting

I want my own family in the future just away from my regular one. I love them, but theres a certain shadow looming over us that won't go away with any amount of therapy, built up resentment or whatever. On my end. I think I expect it to fix with them realizing that it needs fixing without needing to communicate with them. Most of my family tends to lash out easily when met with some push back for their behavior and I've come to settle with that feeling and just move on with it instead of fixing it.

I don't necessarily like feeling like this but part of it is comforting because I know it's real and not in my head. It gives me a sadness that lets me sit with myself more heavily and take time on my own.

I think I'll always be somewhat of a dissapointment and that hurts but it's okay as long as I'm in my own mess and not someone elses. My mess stays my mess and I fix it.

Maybe I shouldn't pursue having my own family with feelings like this but I have this hope that one day I'll have people I can trust with my deepest part of myself. I kind of hope to have kids that I want to give the world too so I can prove to myself that good things can happen when you try hard enough. I want to bring something good into the world and love it without shame. It's too much of a burden to put on a child though.