Mostly about money for cute stuff and dressing up and stuff like that

16 日　10月　2025年

lowk jelly of my friends ,, ((when i say friends i mean more like acquaintance/obligatory friends not buddy buddy)),,

who can spend 100 or more willy nilly & call it pocket money 

i mean, it's a suprr unrealistic comparison considering that i happen 2 know a bunch of people who r very very well off ((it's definitely the area i live in,, closer 2 the main towns,))

but still, i wish i had the ability to b that carefree about everything.

I'm just yearning for that type of teen girl life where you get to go shopping with yr friends and not have to b all like "oh I'm not getting anything i don't wanna get that i don't wanna buy it i don't rlly need it" because i have 20 dollars in my wallet when they're spending 20 to 40dollars just ,,"as a treat." yk?

It might b my pride or the fact that i love giving otherr people things but i don't mind spending money on other people

like, 15dollars isn't too much when i'm buying stuff for a really close friend on their bday,,

but when i want to spend it on cute things for myself i have to reconsider.

i remember getting myself a little treat a few months ago because i was doing so well & saw some stuff with characters i liked online, so i thought "why not? i have enough pocket money."

and it amounted to around 7 dollars for a coin pouch and 5 dollars for a name tag button thingy and card holder

<----- those r pictures i ripped off of Google Images of the stuff i got

It all cost 12dollars and I remember thinking that it was a lot and really indulgent, because i saved half of two months worth of allowance to buy it.

I think that, I'm content with that. And it also makes it feel more special when I do buy something for myself.

With that, it also makes me really think hard on whether or not I really want the item.

I still really like the coin pouch, and I use the other two just for display purposes and it is something I actually do enjoy having.

,,,

I am happy with my spending habits, and I think that I save and spend enough to feel fulfilled. 

I don't have way too much to begin with, but that's okay i think since i don't really need to pay for utilities and rent and food and whatnot.

When my friends talk about getting a bunch of stuff on temu and taobao for near 300 dollars and i see all the pretty things they get,, i think,

"that's wasteful," but also,

"must b nice to b so carefree."

These ppl have a lot of money to fall back on, if they don't want 2 work for a majority of their life it could probably work for them, really. 

Right now I'm trying to make a savings account for just me, my studies, my necessities in the future and whatnot. I've saved up enough money, I think, to be able to start saving more. 

I wanna sell more of my art stuff,, too,, but it's just something I'm doing casually since I care more about just sharing my art with other people to resonate with.

 it'd be nice to b able to earn something of my own, too, and tabling at events is pretty fun.

I just yearn, I guess, to be able to spend like 100 on just cutesy clothes alone.

I mean, I dress cute with what I have and I like it, stuff mostly secondhand and cheap, and few items brand new from special occasions or if it's something I really liked and wanted to save up for.

I am really glad with what I do have, but I also do want 2 find more things I like, in the future.

I was trying on a few of my old things, and I'm planning to sell some.

Kind of makes me frustrated when a blouse I rlly liked won't button up anymore, but oh, well, what can you do.

Some of my clothes r kind of ill-fitting so that's also part of the reason I've been window shopping a lot, LOL.

Been looking at the sweet type of JSKs online, and I will probsies just save up and buy one secondhand during a con this december.

If I'm lucky, i'll proably find one i like, and it's just better 2 buy one in person since i won't mess up the measurements.

A lot of JSKs only go up to a bust of 90 for sizes s-l and I sometimes feel embarassed buying a size 2xl that will only barely fit me.

Asian sizes are SMALL when they're small. 

I haven't been thin since I was like 6, and I still feel jealous when I see people fitting into such a delicate frame.

I cried at that time, in the fitting room, when none of the cute bras I picked up would close on me.

I cried even more, when the pink skirt I got wouldn't zip up my waist.

Felt like all the pretty things in the world were never made for people like me.

I've been meaning to get that skirt tailored and fitted with elastic, but it's just been sitting in my crate of old stuff, just gathering dust and occasionally reminding me that my figure is bigger than i think it is.

I should pluck my eyebrows, should curl my lashes, should try some whitening cream,

I wanna have a thin waist, wanna have a smaller nose and bigger eyes,

i want a smaller frame and i want smooth and delicately sized limbs

want a waist half my thighs, wanna look like an anime girl i see in those romance pictures

i wanna be so so lovable just by looking at me, i wanna be a bunny i wanna be

nothing i don't wanna exist in this body.

I hate how common that sentiment is in our society, I hate how it's so normal to feel this way.

I wish I could just be, how I like, without wanting 2 change every single thing about myself.

It might b the hormones or sonething, shit if i know idk.

i'm ust so tired ofit.

can't i just find a nice, reasonably priced dress with a bust of 120 without it practically spelling out "LARDASSS"at me on the cover?

oky that's all i'm writing too much it's not something i wanna dwell on for so long

wear what you want forver okay don't let othr ppl tell you shit about how you should be in yr own fucking skin.

i'm being sad about it but like, fuck it, in the end i wear what i want and i look how i want if anyone has a problem with that i will bite their eyes or whatevrs okay bye.