to my unborn sister /vent

born in 2007 in February you would've been 18 today if not due to a ectopic pregnancy. melody I miss you so much despite you never existing I imagine you in my life and I can't help but daydream that you would have been my world, we would've went everywhere together and you'd be the best sister ever, we'd be eachother's rocks to rely on and u'd make life so much fun just going to the grocery store, the movies, the bowling alley, even boring places anywhere would be fun and special as long as it's with you. spending christmas and halloween with you, i'd just stare at you obsessed and show you so much affection, I would hug u all the time and give you lots of kisses on your cheek, nuzzle you. lay on top of your back like a dumb koala. cuddling with you while sleeping in the same bed whenever one of us is down or just wants cuddles, the amount of dopamine and closeness I would get from having lots of cuddles with you and sleeping in the same bed would be heavenly. but just having you in my life would be heavenly too. i'd also give you head massages too (you better give me a head massage back) and comfort and pamper you on your period to make you feel better. we would play old video games or watch movies together. drink snowballs  and listen to music and sing stupid songs together it would be awesome.

 i'd always be the best brother I can for you and look for ways to make you happy and shower you in affection as you do the same to me because you matter a lot to me, you're very special person, you're my sister and i'd do anything for you and you're the only thing that matters in this cruel world. if you had a injury and had to stay at a hospital I would stay with you overnight for as many nights as you want to comfort you and keep you entertained. I would get in your hospital bed and lay by your side.

it's so hard going on this life without you it doesn't feel right, I've created a AI generated image of what I imagined you to look like and it looks just like I imagined, I made it to hold onto to something tangible of you and I bought a custom life size pillow with your photo on it to cuddle. it helps me sleep. melody I would do anything to have you here, I would make a time machine if it were possible just to reset this dimension

because it feels like I landed in a messed up alternate dimension where u died because it always felt like u were meant to be alive which is why I keep endlessly daydreaming about how different things would be if u were here. it's so hard to go on without you I want to die so much melody, I don't want to live without you anymore but somehow I keep on going like a wounded soldier with a broken leg that won't heal. yet I just want to rest so badly. some days I don't want to exist, I just want to sleep forever. but i'm still marching on and trying to find happiness, but each day feels harder with no one here, I feel like that day is eventually gonna come where I'm gonna get the courage to take my own life but I know you would want me to keep going. I just want to be happy in this life, I know what I want in life exactly but it's just so rare and this world is confusing.

I have a lot of songs in my playlist I made for you I can't even pick one, my favs are "burn" by ellie goulding  "safe and sound" and "all about us" by tatu I feel like those songs encapsulate my love for you.