hihihih hello

I haven't posted in a whiiile and I'm not where I left things off last time so I'll just write about how I've been (like I always do lol)

The new school year has started and despite getting a bit depressed the first week I've managed to create a good routine:

wake up at 5:30 
- wash my face, have breakfast, make some food for school, and dress up
get on bus at 7:00 
- listen to music all the way to school or talk to my bf for a bit
school 8:00-14:00
- walk to the bus stop (14:30)
- walk home (15:20)
get home
- have lunch, shower, chill for a bit, dress up again 
walk to bus to library (17:17
- study at library from 17:30-19:50, walk home
get home at like 20:30
- have dinner (sometimes) and plop myself on the bed to go to sleep

Idk why I write it down, but tbh I'm a bit proud of myself... Not as much as proud cause I'm suuuuper tired from doing all this every day... But I didn't think I was able to. I've also been drinking more water and that's improved my health in general!

My room is still a mess though... Like a GIANT great big mess... It's all dusty and dirty, even a bunch of ants ended up in my room trying to eat a paper I used to blow my nose with.. ew.

Either way, I've still been thinking of shing almost every day, and it doesn't help that the girl who sits next to me in class (actually I'd consider her my friend now) has relapsed and it's a bit triggering...

With all this productivity comes the fear that if i start being okay, if I'm not depressed anymore I'll lose who I am.. It's a weird feeling. I feel like I'm okay now but the issues I have have not been dealt with or magically disappeared... It's like I'm fine now and I don't know why.
I'm really only saying all this because itt's been a few weeks but I've been doing bad some days..

I've been writing down in a calendar all the days I've been extremely depressed and suicidal and it doesn't seem to follow a certain type of pattern... I've also added the days I've got my period and its the same, no seeming relation to the depressive periods.

It's all a bit scary..

My bfs been great through it though, he's a really nice boy and part of the reason why I'm  so happy is honestly him.

I've been thinking of talking to my ex again. Not for any particular reason but because someone from the friend group I'm in (that he used to be a part of) recently texted him and he seemed apologetic n stuff... idk.. maybe I'm just bored
Cause how would the conversation even go? What would we even talk about? If he really is that sorry and cares so much why hasn't HE texted me? Considering the fact that he's not blocked on anything on my part... Its really not like I want him to text me but he did say that he doesn't believe he deserves my forgiveness. And he's right, he doesn't, but for some reason I wanna know how he's doing...
I might just text him but I feel I should tell my bf first cuz its kind of an important deal and if he found out because of someone else I feel like he'd be pissed... But at the same time I'd really rather keep the conversation private just because it's such a delicate situation... idk

I've also been struggling a bit w my self image, I genuinely wish I was smaller and skinnier constantly but I know the path of eds isnt worth it, having seen it from an outside perspective many times and I just rlly dont wanna trade the energy I need and already don't have enough of... 

Today I really should have done some schoolwork but I'm honestly so tired... I have to print stuff, and do some excercises... I wanna be a legit person but atp I'd rather copy them from a website and do them later in the case that I need to study w them :PPpPp

welp... Now I'm going to attempt to pick up the clothes on my bed and sleep early so I can get to cleaning in the morning... so productive...