my journey through faith (and how I ended up becoming agnostic)

Hiii, so before starting I do wanna say that english is not my native language so yeah.. bare w me pls LOL

(plus it's my 1st time doing a blog entry :PP)

ALSO NONE IF THIS MEANS TO OFFEND OR BELITTLE ANYONE'S RELIGION!! LIVELAUGHLOVE BABES

I was raised in a catholic household (and also study in a catholic school). 

One of my very first memories is going to church, the scent of myrrh filling my lungs and a shared faith in a man who loves us all united the people inside mass.

Everyone chanted and sang along praising the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit because God is love and love means faith. He sacrificed his own son to save us all from eternal suffering so we should be thankful.

I sat on the wooden bench wondering if the woman sitting next to me actually believed it. Not as a story, not as a metaphore but actually thinking that there's a God watching us all, keeping a record on our sins but always with his arms open to welcome us home, like the father he is.

I would get on my knees, rosary in hand and pray to God. I would thank him for the day and ask him: "Why can't I believe in you like the others do? Please, give me a sign. Help me find you. I want to believe."

But the sign whether came unnoticed or didn't came at all.

Whenever I went to church with my family I would avoid looking into the sculpture of Jesus, his son, bloody and wounded. "He died for our sins" My mom repeated, as if that would stop the overwhelming guilt and fear I felt toward the clay figure. Not fear of Jesus: No, I could never fear the man who sacrificed himself, the one whose speeches were about loving thy neighbour. 

Fear of my own incapability to not accepting him and his father into my heart, into my soul.

I discovered I liked girls when I was around 9 or 10. It was just a silly crush.

The pastor, the friars, the nuns, my own parents always spoke about homosexuality as a sin. 

I cried on my bed, hugging a pillow and praying for God "Please, do not abandon me. If you truly exist, if you love me then please, make me normal. Make me love the way you intended us to."

I went to cathequesis, confessed my sins, did my 1st communion. I felt, for once, that I belonged to the church. That I was finally accepting God.

But I still couldn't believe that he was actually there. The logical side of me didn't buy it. I understood the meaning of his teachings and parables but that's all they were to me: metaphorical stories that wanted to give a message of love.

I grew up and slowly detached myself from the church. 

I would ocasionally feel the need to go back whenever things went rough for me. I felt like a hypocrite though, I would pray with guilt in my heart. But I found comfort in the peace afterwards. It was odd, to say the least. Especially because I found myself feeling attached to Mother Mary, something about her story, her sorrow and grief resonated with me to some level.

As of lately, I'm still questioning my faith in Catholicism. Recently I've decided to just say I'm agnostic and call it a day.

Honestly, I like the idea of an all-loving god (that's all it is for me: an idea) but I just don't agree with some of the church's opinions when it comes to certain subjects...

Sometimes I do feel a bit jealous towards religious people who have actually found a way to believe and accept God in their lives. I feel the same way towards atheists that can accept their lack of faith without guilt and live peacefully ://

But yeah, that's it ig lol