Playlist of Old Memories

I came across an old playlist today. It was one comprised of songs I listened to a lot following my father's passing. The songs are melancholic, sad and lonely. Very reflective of my mental state at the time. I felt such profound depression, loneliness and grief that I couldn't put into words. 

I remember back then I was working 3 different jobs to support myself and my mom and brother as well as going to college full time on top of it all. I barely had time to think... But every day at my restaurant job, i'd get a 30 m break, I'd gulp down my dinner and use the rest of the time to sit outside the restaurant, smoke and listen to music. 

There was one day where I sat there on my break, listening to this playlist, and suddenly was just overwhelmed by some emotion I still cant pin point if it was loneliness, or sadness, maybe a mixture of both -- but it hit me like a truck. Tears welled up in my eyes clouding my vision, and I remember looking at the road in front of me, it was rainy that day, I stared at the wet asphalt, it was evening so the water looked kind of pretty and reflected the city lights. I tried to hold back my tears but one escaped and rolled down my cheek. I felt weak, or like my tears were performative like I was forcing myself to be sad. More than that I just felt so alone. 

I don't listen to this playlist anymore, for fear of bringing up those feelings again. But I think I've grown since then, the music makes me still think of that time, but I think I've done enough brooding, and felt enough loneliness for 10 lifetimes. I'm done wallowing in my sadness. I want to be hopeful and excited for the future again -- but I have yet to reach this state. 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2DBV1O4zLe4GMWMXEJevdK?si=1f8fe3f48aaf4662