diary of a 19 yr old

its me again. heyy

its been five months since i last posted an entry. 

so many things happened actually in those five months. i dont want to list everthing, because that would mean living through it all all over again. but i wish i could talk to myself before everything happened.. at least warn her or something. she made her mistakes and she still does. 

anyway. life didnt get better.. but whose life is good? everyone has ups and downs after all. though it seems like my life is a down this year. 

i finished high school. i do miss it. but more because i had a schedule in my life. now im so unplanned and boring. i feel like a beige mum..

i was in turkey in summer. it was mostly boring and i missed my friends. we saw eachother finally after seven looong weeks or smth. 

btw i saw enhypen september:) at least one good thing happened. 

I did my drivers test and who guessed it.. i failed. 

now i need to do everything all over again. oh right. i forgot to mention that uni/college did infact not accept me:)

i wish my life would go my way for once. 

so rn im doing basically nothing. next week ill start my minijob again. yk i just took one or two months off by doing nothing. i felt like i was boiling water and i kept getting hotter and hotter and someday i would just explode. the water somedays escaped the pot, because i kept it closed. 

im still in here tho. i know that life will get better. but rn its playing tricks on me to give up. i dont know if i want to give up. somedays i want to, because its always me. im the reason everything goes bad, like the rotten fruit among the fresh ones. 

i cannot help but feel that way. i cannot help but do nothing because im trying to live. even if im not actually living rn. i watch films or read to ease my mind but it lingers somewhere that everything ill ever be, is nothing. And that was my biggest fear, 

i know im not running out of time. im only 19. 

but then again im not so sure anymore. because i never even thought i would make it till 20. well ig i still have three months until that. 

i wish i could go back in time. really. i have never missed my carefree childhood days as much as i do now. i want to be a 5 yr old again. i wouldnt know my younger brother tho. and my dad wasnt there with us by then. but i felt like i was important. and still had hope. 

dw ill get better. i just need to sort it out and come out of my cage. maybe god will sent me something to ease my mind. 

of course this entry is wayy to short to put almost half a year inside. but those were the things i could speak about. 

thats it ig. see u some other time. (hopefully not in 2026)  & more often from now on:)

xoxo 

-A