🌴: Lost in Love

It wasn’t my choice to send them to college, it was their parents, so I had no idea why it was up to me to bear the burden of their mistakes. My alarm clock went off, it was only 6am which was late for an old crone like myself, and I hobbled out of bed–weak in the knees from old age and certainly nothing else–and headed for the mirror. I had to look perfect for today.

With shaky hands–they didn’t work as well as they used to–I ran my fingers through the last remaining strands of my white tresses. I feared if I used a real comb I’d pull out what few locks I had left, and I couldn’t afford to lose them today.

“GRANDMA WHERE ARE YOU?” screeched my hell-sent, demonspawn granddaughter whose mother had evidently never beat respect into her. If only she was able to wake up at this hour when she was going to school. Maybe then she wouldn’t be in crippling debt as she repeated her 8th freshman year.

“I’m coming,” I croaked back. I didn’t have much left to my voice. It was failing me just like my grandkids were failing me.

There wasn’t much left in my wardrobe, the worst mistakes my daughter had ever made had pawned off as much of my belongings as they could to help relieve their college debt, so I didn’t have to struggle deciding on how I was going to dress to impress. The white, cotton, lace hemmed nightgown I had owned since my hair first started graying was going to be making its grand debut to the great outdoors today. To be honest, I was thankful Bennifer and Jenjamin had at least left me this much. I had quite seriously feared they would leave me with nothing but my undergarments and nightcap.

“THEY’RE ALMOST HERE,” howled Bennifer like the animal creature she was hardly better than. This was no good. I hadn’t even had my morning cup of tea, and considering how long it would take me to walk down the stairs, because of course the 90 year old with rusty door hinges for joints had to live in the attic, I wouldn’t get it.

With no cane to my name, the one sturdy piece of wood I had picked up off the streets when collecting recyclables had also been sold, I began my trek down the stairs that were creaking almost more than me.

About two hours later, when the sun was high enough in the sky that my every wrinkle could be seen in “8K UHD surround sound 16 Gigs ram, HDR GEFORCE RTX, TI-80 texas instruments, Triple A duracell battery ultrapower100 Cargador Compatible iPhone 1A 5 W 1400 + Cable 100% 1 Metro Blanco Compatible iPhone 5 5 C 5S 6 SE 6S 7 8 X XR XS XS MAX GoPro hero 1 2 terrabyte xbox series x Dell UltraSharp 49 Curved Monitor - U4919DW Sony HDC-3300R 2/3" CCD HD Super Motion Color Camera, 1080p Resolution Toshiba EM131A5C-SS Microwave Oven with Smart Sensor, Easy Clean Interior, ECO Mode and Sound On/Off, 1.2 Cu. ft, Stainless Steel HP LaserJet Pro M404n Monochrome Laser Printer with Built-in Ethernet (W1A52A) GE Voluson E10 Ultrasound Machine LG 23 Cu. Ft. Smart Wi-Fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door Counter-Depth Refrigerator with Craft Ice Maker” (The ultimate caught in 4k copypasta) I made it past the final step.

There Bratty Bennifer stood tapping a foot, her washed out blonde hair pulled back in a bun so tight that it wasn’t hard to see why every morning she’d call her new man complaining about a premature receding hairline. Her face was twisted in a nasty scowl, like it was she who was going to be sold to Air Supply to pay off college debt incurred by spoiled alcoholics whose parents had a hundred percent supported selling off ‘ol g-ma to men over 10 years her junior because well…guess who their kids took after…

It wasn’t my fault though. I raised Benny and Jenny’s momma right until I lost custody. I’m not sure what happened between that and when Satan’s personally trained tormenters spawned into existence, but I had no part in it.

“You’ve kept them waiting,” she said. This was the first thing she’d said that hadn’t blasted my eardrums clean off all day. I wish she talked less often. “Ugh, I should’ve had you wake up earlier so I could do your hair and makeup or something. You look like something out of a nightmare. If I saw you in my sleep I’d scream. But whatever, Jenjamen’s been keeping them company in the kitchen.”

“Jenjamin can shove a stick up his a-”

“Grandma, weren’t you born before women had rights? How about you take a little trip down memory lane and shut your whore mouth.”

I was beyond flabbergasted. That was no friendly fire, that was women-on-women crime. How had she turned out so wrong?

The three of them sat at the dinner table, a humble wooden table devoid of a tablecloth, plates, cutlery, or anything else that would have signaled it as a destination for eating. Jenjamin smiled at me, the plaque on his teeth glowing a warm yellow like the halogen light bulbs illuminating our kitchen. They were all we could afford. I mustered up my best smile, my freshly scrubbed dentures sparkling white like the LED light bulbs I’d dreamed many dreams of being able to own. At this point all I could do was make the best out of a bad situation.

The Australian soft-rock duo did not cut a bad figure, not by a long shot. For starters, one of them was at least six feet tall. I could respect that. How did I know this though? I may have done my homework, a concept those money-draining meat sacks had probably never heard of. Indeed, I started at their Wikipedia page, then went to Facebook (the only social media website I knew how to use), and scoured article after article from fan content to original, learning all that I could. It never hurt to be prepared.

“Oi Madam, I’m Russel. Russel Charles Hitchhock.”

“I’m Graham Russel. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

I knew that. What I didn’t know was why in the world would they think I didn’t know who they were? Who in their right mind would not do at least one google search of the band they were going to be sold to? Well maybe they wouldn’t have to if they were die hard fans of the band, but regardless they would know their names.

“Hi there boys, I’m Suzie.” I didn’t offer a last name. I didn’t need to. I’d be taking theirs. I threw in a wink for good measure. Was this how the girls at the shop my late husband used to visit got him to go back week after week?

“You look absolutely darling Suzie,” drawled Graham, sending back a wink of his own.

My face turned a color I had forgotten it could.

“Where’s the money,” said Bennifer, slamming a hand on the table.

“Five dollars, all in ones, just like you asked for, dear.” Graham slid a bank envelope toward Bennifer who tore it open and examined each bill as if hiding inside each bill were a hundred more.

“Perfect,” she said after what must have been an eternity later. “I hope we can do business together again.”

“Nothing would bring us more pleasure,” said Russel in a croon smooth as butter.

The four shook on it. First Jenjamin shook Graham’s hand while Bennifer shook Russel’s. Then they switched. Then they switched one last time, with Jenjamin shaking Bennifer’s hand and Graham shaking Russel’s hand. I couldn’t wait for those two dashing bucks to take me by the hand…

“Well then, my love, shall we be off?” said Graham, extending an arm bent at the elbow like a true gent.

I tried to hide a nervous chuckle, but the rattling of my dentures–I must not have put them in securely in my rush to get ready–betrayed me. “Absolutely boys.” I linked my arms through their waiting ones, and together, they in their loafers and me with my textured floor grippers, we hobbled out to their smoking hot whip parked in our driveway.

“She’s a fine looking lady,” I said, eyebrows raised.

“Dare I say much like yourself, Madam? Or would that be too forward?” I had never imagined a 73 year old could sound so delicious but goodness me was Russel opening my eyes to new horizons. No doubt I was fire engine red just like the sleek sports car I was about to step into the backseat of.

As soon as all three of us were in, Russel revved the engine, slammed a foot on the gas, and we shot off into the air, flying straight into the sky with, “We Go Together,” pumping out the windows at full volume for the whole world to hear.

Citations

“R/Copypasta - the Ultimate Caught in 4K Copypasta.” Reddit, https://www.reddit.com/r/copypasta/comments/nmbqs0/the_ultimate_caught_in_4k_copypasta/.