Would I now

I haven't considered suicide since my sophomore year

I haven't self-harmed since my junior

so why is it, working at this campus now, do I consider both?

had I stayed at my last job

would I still consider these things? 

had I stayed in school

would I have committed?

I hadn't had a Monster since junior year, after a very dear friend stopped being my friend because she had 'been in love with me since we met'

so why is it, since June, i have had one every day.

would I have relapsed so badly in all of my negative habits had I worked differently from the start?

if I had worked better?

would I had sat in the bathroom of an elementary school staring at the soft red appearing on my skin?

...

working here is hard. 

harder than being overworked and underpaid, I had loved my last job.

bad days came and went, but I never considered relapsing.

never considered caffeine 

never considered the blade that sat in the bottom of my dressers bottom left drawer 

never considered death

so why is it now,

working here at a school, a place of learning and curiosity and supposedly wonder

that I reconsider death as an option more than before?