do you ever wonder?

do you ever wonder what would happen if they knew?

what would have changed if you didn't hold any secrets? would you be a different person, or would they be a different person to you? would they force you to change, or adapt? 

sometimes I wonder what would happen if the things I did when I was younger was all released out into the public. how different would be the kinds of reactions would I get, especially when you compare it to people online and offline. 

the things we do when someone perceives us will always have some sort of filter. and this is natural. its part of how we survive, socially.

but what if that weren't the case? what if everything got exposed? or, what if we never kept any secrets hidden in the first place? 

I always grew up being known as the quiet kid, the shy kid. what if I wasn't? what if I was honest? because I've had a lot to say growing up, but I never did. 

There was one point in my life where I wanted to spill out so many thoughts, open for everyone to see. my organs exposed in the air, wanting to be witnessed, desperate for help. desperate for my voice to finally be heard.

but I didn't. I wonder what would happen if I let myself do that. but at the same time... I probably would be in a much different state than I am now. and I don't know if I really want that.

but there's a reason for why we end up where we are. something bad might've happened if I went with it. or went with other things I wanted to do. I was really mentally ill back then, so a lot of my thoughts were irrational. I've mostly healed since then, and I'm grateful for that.

I've done a lot of things that others would consider to be controversial because I was young and naive. I wonder