Rant abt my bf

I dont expect anyone to read this. i just wanna spew thoughts (so this will be quite unorganised, lolol)

I love my bf so much. He is the sweetest boy I've ever met, and I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He is extremely frustrating sometimes, though. We're long distance (in the same country, but on different sides. Met in person but can't meet up anymore for a plethora of reasons) so we basically only communicate through instagram. 

He's been having some issues recently and refuses to talk about it with anyone. I know he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to, but when it gets to the point of him blowing up at me just because i asked if he was okay, i think its time to talk. I just want him to be okay. It's like he doesn't understand that i just want to help. Im not interrogating him. Im not trying to gather information to use against him. I just want my sweet boy to be okay. 

I wouldn't have an issue with him being so quiet about his problems, he usually is. But it's different now. He's mad all the time, constantly talking about ending himself, and starting arguments for no reason. I love him so much, and i just want him to get help, but every time i ask, "Are you okay?" He gets mad that i even suggested the idea of him being sad. And i get the same response when i suggest professional help after he mentions suicide. I love my sweet boy, and i dont want to lose him. His negative attitude is starting to affect me now. I'm constantly so worried about him, and the thought of not being able to be there if he were ever to do something to himself is so frightening. I  want to hug my sweet boy and tell him that everything will be okay and that he just needs to open up, but i cant get through to him :(

He's usually so sweet, but he gets so mean when he's upset. We used to never argue, but now it's become a regular occurrence. He gets so personal with every word he says that it's really starting to hurt. It started small, bringing up mistakes i carelessly made when i was younger. But now he's bringing up addictions I've struggled with, people who have left, my late boyfriend who died to an illness he hid from me. I don't know how much more of these arguments i can i take. He always apologizes, and i know he doesn't mean to be the way he currently is, doesnt mean to say the hurtful things that he says. I know he's just in pain, but he won't admit it. In my attempt to recover from my alcohol addiction, i learned that the first step of healing is admitting that you have a problem. That doesn't just apply to addiction, but mental health, too. You can't resolve a problem without acknowledging that you have it in the first place. A big part of that acknowledgement comes from talking to others. Friends, partners, family, professionals, anyone. I wish he would just talk to someone.

I love my boy, and i want to watch him get better. I want to be there when everything gets manageable again, to hold him, to tell him i knew it'd all be okay, to remind him that i love him and that I'll always be here. But if things keep going this way, i don't know if I'll be there :( i wish he'd just swallow his pride and admit that something is wrong.

We argued a few nights ago, and we got on to the topic of him not caring what i did. This was over text, and i had had enough, so i just thought to myself, "Since he doesn't care at all, I'll just leave." I didn't say anything to him, opting to leave his message on seen. Three minutes later, he started begging me to not ignore him and to stay. I don't know how to explain why, but it just made me so sad. The poor thing has been left behind and forgotten so many times. I don't want to make it worse. Seeing him beg for me to stay - begging for anything but me leaving, repeating how sorry he was over and over - it just devastated me :( he really upsets me sometimes but he's my baby and i just dont know how to convince him to get help :(