AUGUST SUMMARY; 9/10

hey spacehey!

as someone on the destiny debate discord server once said, utility is not a scalar. that is, quality and beneficiality cannot be measured with a number line or 1-dimensional spectrum. so when i say august was a 9/10, that is a large generalization. just as the following words will be, since i can only remember so much. but rest assured, august gets an A. 

work schedule and work life

most of my daytime in august was spent working. 

i work 5 days a week for 5-8 hours each day. 

if i work the mid shift (7a - 4p), then my mornings are difficult. i have a really hard time getting up before 7 because that's when i'm in some sort of deep sleep during that time. i drive to work with a slice of bread and soothing music to cushion the zombie bleghh state. a few minutes before i start my shift, i listen to something hype.

the shift itself is nice. i get the morning rush of high schoolers and the afternoon rush of high schoolers, with regulars in the middle. it's busy and goes by quick.

something weird: i find that i care a lot about what these juvenile students think about me. social anxiety isn't something you just 'outgrow.' pretty alt people still make me nervous and i still try a little too hard to be cool. i just have to remember: you're just a starbucks barista.

some regular customers: middle-aged woman who talks very quickly and stutters but makes very intelligent and funny comments (orders frapuccinos in a larger cup to maximize value), young girl with alt makeup and a startlingly deep and slow voice (orders a blonde shaken espresso), and old chill vietnamese dude (orders a double espresso over ice with 4 packets of honey to-go, which is now my usual). there are plenty of other regulars i love to see but these are my favorites.

evenings are usually just napping and dealing with my parents as they get home from their work (treacherous). then, at night, i splurge on some centers of satisfaction like gaming, listening to music, talking to friends online, and occasionally writing music.

if i work the closing shift (11a - 8p), then i usually sleep in until 9, make breakfast and rush some chores, and then leave for work with time to spare. i do my shift and usually get done around 7:30p. 

the thing about closing shift is that from 4a - 8p, priorities shift. an interesting case of terminal and instrumental goals swapping. during the day, the terminal goal is to serve customers, with instrumental goals being restocking and cleaning. during the evening, restocking and cleaning are the more important terminal goals, while customers are like interruptions that need to be taken care of to proceed.

either way, i love my closing shifts because they go by fast. and i like doing the night chores because it's a challenge of speedrunning and optimizing your time. plus, i get to see juan, my favorite of the store higher-ups.

i love driving home at night and blasting music in the car. i also love that my parents are off to bed or whatever and i don't have to deal with them so much. i just go to my room, play some games, and go to bed.

also, my car music is just whatever mp3s i fit on a 3 GB usb flash drive. it ranges from the best kpop tracks to the best jazz fusion albums to sisyphus55's On Suicide followed by fnaf ultimate custom night's Mr. Hippo Monologue.

relationships and conversations

aidan! you are cool. you know a lot of really cool people, but even amongst them i think you stand out. you are loud, intelligent, inquisitive, expressive, and very kind to me. you are there for me. you are also what i consider to be a well-cultured pearl of the 21st century - games, niche sport (jugger), comp sci, AI, and econ. also gender, self-expression, and some philosophy. i wish we hung out more than once this summer, as hanging out with you is remembering that there are many-to-one orientations of the mind and its thoughts. 

tybruh! you may be one to rage-bait, to be enraged, to make some unhinged comments, and really annoy the fuck out of me, but i've known you since 2nd grade and this summer we played way way way too many much games. i was there for your relationship perils and i can attest to your strength. however you should really stop being annoying. i'm sad i couldn't visit, as we had plans to go hiking, camping, drinking, and shopping together!

bochin! you are extremely human in a way that i find very interesting, seemingly for no reason! maybe we are relatable or maybe it's the way you present yourself... if talking to to ty is like being out with a friend and hanging with aidan is like marveling at a complex algorithm, being with you is like reading a good book! it is exciting, engaging, and i our conversations and lives seem to mold into narratives of some kind... today we talked about the question of "would you rather be a rock with a human mind or a human with a rock mind?" which i equate to the question of suicide and albert camus. very well! bochin was here.

personal progress, self-actualization

i started to really use the word 'self-actualization' when my dear friend aidan said in a discord server that he put self-actualization on reverse amidst a difficult situation. don't wanna doxx him more than that lol.

anyhow, i think this summer i spent most of my free time in distraction. i was either working or playing games or on a call or texting or watching youtube videos. only recently have i spent my nights alone and had my long overdue appointments with boredom.

it is like realizing i've been avoiding myself for a long time. 

when i'm bored, i remember that i am hungry for achievement! i want to become something. it's like i had forgotten what i was trying to say and then remembered it. i want to become something. and there are things i have to do. or, rather, there's nothing i have to do, but a lot of things i normally want to do.

like meditate. and fold origami. and make music. and just listen to new music, lights off headphones blasting. and make art. sitting and thinking and exploring myself. becoming something.

a segment of something i wrote for my final project of the UCI first-year summer course:

We begin by craving certain sensations—self-satisfaction, creative pride,
contentedness, self-worth, etcetera... 
Character. We crave it. Being something. For many of us, these arise when we
dedicate ourselves to something we love. When we lack this dedication, we often
feel regretful, slothful, or lost. Hence, we have invented a sharp and highly
specific tool known as the goal. We set goals to push ourselves forward and
exert ourselves. Yet we often forget that the goals themselves are only a tool.
Losing ourselves in the thrill of the journey is much more important than whether
or not we achieve the goal.
tl;dr: we set goals to help ourselves grow and foster self-actualization. Yet is it
inevitable that we become slaves to our goals? Is such a slavery even a bad
thing? Goals were instrumental for the terminal goal of self-actualization… now
self-actualization seems to be instrumental for some highly specific ends—our
goals.